Being shamed for giving my son up. Feel lost

My ex and I got pregnant almost five years ago and knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother. He however wanted to be a father, and so I kept the baby. I tried to care for my son for about four months and every time I had him I felt feelings that I knew were wrong. For my child’s safety I moved out when he was five months. Immediately, I was cast as the bad guy. Everyone had something to say about me abandoning my baby, even though I was still pumping, and taking bottles over.When he was two, my ex couldn’t do it anymore, and gave custody to his parents. My four year old lives with them, and they are always bothering me about it. They send me Facebook requests, instagram requests, messages that say things like “why don’t you be a mother?” Or cards with hateful things on my birthday and Mother’s Day.Last night I was out with friends, not drinking but being around while they were drinking. All of a sudden, my son, his grandma, and my ex’s sister appear behind me. I’ve not seen my son for a few years. They were saying things like “why don’t you acknowledge your son in front of your friends?” (Which I did) and that it was good to know alcohol is more important to me, and how could I just act like everything in my life is fine?I walked away and could hear him screaming for me. That made me cry. I heard his grandma say “your mommy doesn’t love anyone but herself.” And “she doesn’t love you.” That’s not true. If I didn’t love him more than anyone I wouldn’t have done what I have.My boyfriend broke up with me over it, and I’m waking up to a bunch of hateful messages from my ex’s family and several friends who weren’t there.I guess this is more me venting than asking for advice, but he wasn’t safe with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve only been diagnosed as bipolar, but I don’t think that’s what it is.The last time I saw my ex was six months ago. He told me his parents love our son and take good care of him. Then, he proceeded to stab me in the back and tell his mom we spent the night together.Do I need to start seeing my son? Am I doing the right thing? Is there a reason I feel this way? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2YjW0AN