I should preface a few things:My daughter is 5. She's the best. Parenting's not always easy, no, but she's pretty flipping fantastic. I have a blast with her, she warms my heart, she's a great kid, and I really love being her mom. Even when I hate it, even when I want to rip my hair out, being her mom is the raddest most challenging job ever.I have been in therapy for 2.5 years. It's great. It's helpful. I have attended weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, all this time, and I'm glad I get to go.I have had multiple mental health diagnoses from borderline personality disorder (been asymptomatic for that since at least 1 year after beginning therapy,) depression, GAD, cyclothymia and ADD. This has been my life. I've come to terms with it. I've tried several medications but meds and I don't mix, though I'm not finished looking for something that will help my emotional life feel more...stable? My daughter is well-sheltered from these things...between her amazing dad (we're divorced, but remain close friends) and her amazing family, she is being raised by a village. I have her 50% of the time, which means if I've having a bad day, I generally have time to turn it around before I parent. (Generally. I'm not perfect. No one is. Actually, my daughter and I love singing "I'm Not Perfect" by Laurie Berkner and I think it helps both of us.)Like I mentioned earlier, I'm divorced but remain good friend with my kid's dad and we co-parent well. He's very supportive. To that end, I'm a single parent, but again—very fortunate to have a village on my team. As is my daughter.So, I'm writing today mostly to vent.I'm pretty sure there's not a lot I can do to change my situation and the only solution is just to start the process of grieving that I can't do anything and accept it.I live in the Midwest. I've been here for about 8 years. I grew up in Texas, all my friends are in Texas. Additionally, I have a wonderful boyfriend/friend from here (the Midwest) who currently lives in California. We're on a break because I just don't see how the distance can work since I can't just pack my bags and move to California without thinking of my daughter, which he understands. He really wants to find a way to make the relationship work, but I'll come back to that. This isn't the point of the post.The point of the post is that I hate where I live.I hate it.I've wanted to leave this place for several years now. Especially since getting divorced, which I think is normal for people who changed states to marry someone, then divorce that person, and are forced to stay in the state they relocated to for that relationship.I have one friend here—my best friend. And she's moving next week.Other than that, besides my family (and we all know family is different than friends) I'm isolated. (My family consists of all my ex's family. Both my parents were abusive so I have no/low contact with them, but my ex's family is amazing and adopted me, and they've changed my life. I love them so, so much for giving me the gift of a real family.)The isolation (in that I have no peers to just hang out with...no one to crack up with...no one who I feel really "knows" me or who I feel I connect with on a certain level) feeds into the depression.I chat with friends all goddamned day long—dozens of friends who live all over the country. There are dozens of people who I value who also value me, who I get great joy from...but 80% of them live in Texas and the rest are scattered around the country.This summer, I took 2 trips to California.I absolutely fell in love with the place.Having grown up by the ocean (South Padre Island, Texas) it felt AMAZING to be by the bay, smelling the salt air...I wanted to keep it. I wanted to stay, so badly.In my divorce decree, there's something about residing within 60 miles of my ex-husband. I understand why that's in there.I'm not going to argue against it.I'm not looking for someone's blessing to move 2000 miles away.Trust me, I already considered all the logistics. I researched my ass off.And by researched, I mean I'm currently a graduate student in a counseling program, so I went to my university's library and looked up articles about the effects of parental geographical distance on children and...yeah, it's not worth it.Nothing—absolutely nothing—that could affect my daughter's future mental health is worth it.I even talked earnestly with her father about what would happen if I chose to move to California, or even to Texas, to go back and be with my friends and support system. He said he'd be sure she didn't go with me—that she'd live 9 months out of the year in the Midwest, and I could have her in the summer and on school breaks.I don't want to do that. I don't want to live 9 months of the year without her, and I don't want her to be without her mama, and I don't want her to leave her family and everything she knows for long stretches of time in the summer...and as she gets older, I don't want to her to have to leave her friends in the summers...I get that kids are resilient. And I get that long distance parents are a real thing, and that it doesn't just inherently fuck up kids.I read plenty of articles about long distance parenting and for the most part, none of it results in, "and the child was royally messed up forever."But she's already been through a divorce where I lost custody for 2 months. She was only 2, but I know that had an effect on her. And I've spent all this time trying to make up for it.I know I'm a good enough mom. I know it. I have as much control over my mental health as I can, I have as much support as I can......but I am so fucking unhappy here. In this city. In this state.This isn't my home.I don't know how to choose happiness here. Choose contentment. I don't know how.I've tried going to art classes or yoga classes to get some interaction or make friends......but I'm 30. All the other people I meet my age aren't in the market to invite a new friend into their lives. They have their families. They have their friends. They wave and say hi to me when we run into each other, but their circles are established and I'm not going to wedge my way in. I don't feel like I connect with them enough anyway, and that's okay. It is. I'm not distraught about it.I feel like I'm breaking.I'm in debt—almost $1k to the IRS at this point, too, due to freelancing and having to choose between paying my taxes or paying my daughter's preschool—and I'm floundering financially, so I can't really just afford to save up and treat myself to vacations or world travel, which I'd love to do.If I came into $40k right now, I'd build a tiny house and get myself off the grid, then use all my money to pay off all my student loans until I was free and could afford to call this city my homebase while I traveled.I don't know...I feel miserable...I know there are no answers in this sub for me.I do know that if not for my wonderful daughter who deserves all the stability I can offer her, I wouldn't be here. I'd be in Texas with my friends or in California by the ocean.I don't know which is a more valuable gift to my daughter——her mother's emotional stability......or geographic stability.Plus, I could move away and still be off/on depressed, so who knows.I'll be talking about all this in therapy tomorrow. I just hate feeling so alone, so I post here a lot. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2fjeHKJ
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