A sticky relationship with bio mom

New here, and want some honest insight. I'm going to try to make this short. Slight background: I have been with fiancé for 10 years now, his daughter is almost 11. Her and BM shared joint custody for 9 years, until a year ago when she moved to Florida. We took her to court and she lost, so my fiancé now has full physical and full legal custody. So last night, my SD had a sad look on her face. I asked what was wrong, and she said she was sad because her mom hadn't answered her texts in a few days. So, to comfort her, I asked if she wanted me to lay in bed with her. She replied "I mean you can if you want to", so OF COURSE I WANT TO... So, we laid next to each other and started chatting. She says to me "I can't wait to start my period so I can shave my armpits". Nooo!! This stems from her BM telling her she can't shave until she starts her period. We talked about shaving with her mom about a month ago and she said absolutely not and proceeded to call SD and tell her she says no and she cannot disobey her. I took the opportunity last night to tell her that her Dad now has final say in her care, and he is in charge to make decisions. She says "but you heard what my mom said, she doesn't allow disobedience and she's my mom I have to listen to her". I tried to explain that since her BM lives in Florida, it's not possible for her to make daily decisions for her. "But she's going to start yelling at me if I shave". I couldn't get through, and I obviously didn't push that she SHOULDNT listen to her mom (I was only trying to explain that her Dad is "in charge" now. So she shed some tears and we talked about other things, like how her Dad and I met, and about some of her friends at school. She asked me to sleep with her all night and not leave, and she dozed off..... I'm so stuck. She's scared of her moms reaction to anything she does, her Dad nor I can change that. Maybe it's time for counseling? Maybe it's time we restrict or rearrange her moms access (I don't think that will help). Currently she talks to her mom whenever she wants via her iPad. It just makes me sad because I think if it's effecting her this much she should just shave them! It stems from her gymnastics class and she says no one else has hairy armpits, as well as other things. She loves gymnastics and will probably continue with it.What do we next? Try to have a chat with mom? But that won't help. She just says "she must listen to me, and you can't stop that". via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2euWfQf