Do they hate each other or are they only looking for our attention? This is how we deal with sibling rivalry

My four (8, 6, 3, 8mo) get along really well most of the time, but sibling rivalry is not unknown in the family. Of course, baby doesn't count. Some of the discussions and fights get really heated. You'd think that these guys are each other's worst enemies by the way they speak to each other ("I hate you", "I wish you'd never been born", "I wish you'd gotten lost in a forest and never find the way out", "You stupid poo" etc). If anyone saw them out of context they'd think that they're an embarrassment to us, parents. Luckily, these disagreements happen mostly at home.By paying attention to when and how these fights happen, I could see that 9 times out of 10 the toy, game, principle etc over which they fight is only an excuse. The real issue is that they are looking for our attention.'Sincere fights' only happen behind closed doors when they play together in their room, but they are few and far between, and they are able to solve them without us having to help them. These are 'sincere fights', because it's not a show put on in order to get our attention.The fights they're unable to solve go down mostly in front of us and that's when they need our help. I don't like calling it stepping in, but rather helping them. I've learned that stepping in as an arbitrator will leave at least one of them bitter and with resentment. Besides, since the core issue is almost never real, it rarely ever needs a solution. Instead, the children want to know that we love them individually for who they are. By calling them, listening to them and giving a hug to each is sufficient in most cases.I've also noticed that these fights happen mostly on days that we're in a rush in the morning and don't give any individual time to each. Ever since this 'discovery' we make sure that morning preparation starts early enough so nobody is stressed, and we get a chance to give each of them an honest 30 seconds. That's it. This has worked magic, and as simple as it sounds, by giving half a minute to each of the children first thing in the morning has been our secret weapon as of late.So, does it mean that there are no more squabbles? No. They still happen, but they are much less frequent, and they can be handled much more easily.How is sibling rivalry present in your house? What is your secret weapon for dealing with sibling rivalry?tl;dr By giving 30 seconds of individual time to our children in the morning, we have been able to dramatically reduce sibling rivalry. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2daG6SJ