I want to abuse my disabled child.

I'm looking for resources if anyone knows of some. I am struggling deeply right now and want to do whatever I can to prevent myself from getting to a point where I really hurt my son.I have an almost three year old boy with multiple disabilities (CP, seizures, partial blindess, major developmental delays among other things).I really love him but for the past 6 months he has barely slept... and therefore neither have I. TBH he has never been a good sleeper, averaging barely 8 hrs total on a good day. This includes daytime naps and such. He had a period of illness earlier this year that just disrupted all our hard work creating a routine to encourage a healthy circadian rhythm. Nowadays he sleeps 4 to 6 hrs broken up. No matter what we do. And believe me, we have tried everything. I've been in and out of doctors offices and no one seems to take it as seriously as it feels. I was scraping by on the sleep I got his first 2 yrs of life. Now Im sure Im going have a psychotic break or kill myself due to sleep deprivation.Obviously my patience is basically nonexistent. Im less and less capable of handling his cries and tantrums or whatever challenges we have during the day. Its really hard to admit but Ive pulled his hair and swatted him a few times.. The real problem is that now that Ive done it a few times, every time I get frustrated I want to hit him harder than the last time. Im really scaring myself because Ive never dealt with anger issues and dont know at all how to cope with the urge to shake him in the middle of the night.My husband works and tries to help when he can, but after 3 yrs of newborn level sleeplessness, we are both at the end of our rope. I feel completely hopeless because honestly there is no end in sight. My son may never be independent and his disabilities will probably always affect his sleep.Also we moved right before he was born and don't have family nearby. I have made a few friends here but none that I can talk to about this. Swamped with medical bills and everything else, we are also not able to afford any extra help (yet somehow make just too much to qualify for gov aid).Over the past two years we have tried these various techniques: Strict bedtime routine Melatonin Magnesium CBD Valerian Root Vetiver and lavendar essential oils Had him checked for sleep apnea, gastrointestinal issues etc Weighted blanket Cosleeping Crying it outSure Im forgetting something. I cant tell you how much reading Ive done trying to find an answer. I've asked his doctors for sleep meds and keep getting told to try other things first. The last visit I had where I basically cried to our pediatrician about how hard it's been, she told me she thinks it is because I dont stimulate my son enough during the day. This broke my heart and fed into my biggest fear - that Im never doing enough for him. He has therapy four days a week and we have more equipment than we can comfortably fit in our apartment that we use everyday, plus pool/bath, sensory time, and more. Idk what else I could be doing. Please help.Edit: Maybe it is relevant so Ill also share that my son does not sit up, crawl, walk, or talk. He has his ways of communicating and loves to wiggle, but still struggles even with rolling. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2NAaNkC