I want to kill myself.This year has been a roller coaster. From my sons behavior getting worse throughout the year and the school blaming and judging my husband and I. To finally getting him an IEP even though we had to fight tooth and nail to get it. To the school not following the IEP and my son being taken out of the classroom every morning at 9:30 am. I had to quit my job. My job that wasn’t that great but it made me feel useful. I had human contact. I did a good job. I had to quit to homeschool my son. He just started two types of medication. Yesterday he had the worse episode yet. I tried to remain calm like always but today I broke. My son has a lot of problems. He says he’s lonely but when it’s time to socialize, he doesn’t know how. He always wants his way. Always wants to play his game his way. And if the kids don’t want that, he gets passive aggressive. We had a home school meet up with other home schooled kids. The moms are so incredible and the support is amazing! These moms get it. They know what I’m going through. I started talking to one of the moms while my son was talking to her kid and another older kid. My son misunderstood the situation/didn’t want to compromise so he walked away and started acting passive aggressively. That’s usually my cue to direct him to the ‘safe space’ we usually pick out when we get some where. The safe space is where he can let his emotions out. Where he is safe to feel what he’s feeling. He refused to go to his safe space to calm down. He denied being upset. He wants me to stop talking to the lady and play with him. I walk him over to the safe space. He refuses to calm down. No matter what I say to him, in his mind he’s right and there’s no chance in hell im changing his mind. I bring up how he’s always telling me he’s lonely but when the opportunity to make friends arises, he squashes it with his need to control the entire situation. He wants to play with the smaller kids. I tell him he needs to calm down first. Well that’s not his plan. Eventually the kids move on to another place in the park and my son goes crazy. It’s my fault that I didn’t let him go play. He was gonna go play! And now it’s all my fault he doesn’t have friends. He starts lashing out. Calling me cruel. The worst mom ever. I’m a bad mom. Why am I such a horrible mom to him? “I don’t deserve it!” He screams. NO. I DONT DESERVE THIS HELL.I walk to the main group and explain that we must go. They give me the look of “we know honey.”We walk over to the car. He’s still insulting me. Calling me the things I tell myself at night every night. I must try to not react. He is just trying to get a reaction. But my heart hurts. Am I being a bad mom? I’m trying my damn best. I have to teach. I have to be a wife. I have to be a mom. I am a hollow shell of myself. He’s moved on to threats now. He’s going to delete this and that when we get home. That’ll show me. I text my husband. I can’t take it. I haven’t started driving home because I’m bawling my eyes out. I tell my son I’ve had enough. He says he doesn’t need me. In my head I say “I wish that were true. Then I wouldn’t feel like a slave to you. I wouldn’t have to be your punching bag.” Husband will be late for dinner. I have to spend the rest of my day with this kid.I hate my life. I hate the school for not providing enough help, I hate that now I have to teach my son. I hate that I don’t have any interaction outside of my house. No one wants to be around a difficult child. And I don’t blame them. I want to die. Then I wouldn’t have to do this anymore.No advice needed. I just needed to vent. Thank you. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2BbxS75
No comments:
Post a Comment