My first kid was so "easy" as people say. Polite, calm, rule following, respectful, etc. Second kid was the exact opposite. He was aggressive, domineering, controlling, always pushing boundaries and the like. It took me a long time to figure out how to deal with kid #2's personality but I finally figured it out. First, let me outline some personality traits that made it very difficult to deal with him:Kid's personality:Controlling. I mean everything - every game, every person, his clothes, his food - he went through a phase where he tried to control nearly everything and everyone.Aggressive. This wasn't necessarily negative. He has a way of getting too rough even when he's happy and playing. I think that getting hurt and rough playing just doesn't bother him, so he doesn't think twice about doing it to others.Defiant. He believes that rules are for bending and breaking. Every rule had to be explained and reinforced many times before he would follow it.How I figured out what to do:When my kid was about 3 years old I was having a very hard time getting him to follow rules (especially no hitting). In his mind there were just too many rules that prevented him from playing how he wanted to. One day he started saying "I want to break the rules". I would repeat it back to him, "you want to break the rules?" He would affirm it. I started noticing that he would say this every day for almost all the rules I told him. We had a lot of conversations that went like this.Me: There's a rule at home that says no hitting.Kid: I want to break that rule.Me: We cannot break the rules.Kid: I don't want there to be any rules.Me: We need rules. They prevent people from getting hurt. They help us to be happy.Kid: I want everyone to get hurt. I don't want us to be happy.Me: ???For months it went on like this. He would be having a fit and we would always come back to breaking the rules. It eventually developed into breaking laws too. I would always affirm what he said. Things didn't really get resolved but he calmed down a little. Usually to get worked up again soon after.One day he had a really bad afternoon. We were talking about how "nothing was going his way". I was thinking about those books for kids that allow kids to live out their own story. I decided to make him one. He was very interested. I got the pages together and told him that we would make a story about how he wanted the day to go. Lo and behold he wanted a day where he could break all the rules. So I played to his fantasy. The book was about how he got angry one day and went around breaking all kinds of rules and laws. At the end of the story I wrote in him feeling bad for making everyone cry and saying sorry. But in retrospect this was playing more to my guilt for writing such a book for him.The book was a fantastic help. Every time my kid got really angry I would suggest reading his book to him. Every time it helped him to calm down. His older brother liked the book too. I think he was intrigued with his little brother's affinity for rule breaking.Several months later my kid was having a really tough day. He was angry and rage-y and just having a really hard time. I suggested reading the book to him and he tore it up and threw it away. I was kind of disappointed but it was his book after all.Without the book I realized I had to be more creative. Which ended up being perfect actually. Each time my kid got angry and started to throw a tantrum I would call him into my lap and tell him a very elaborate story. In the story he would get to do whatever he wanted that he wasn't allowed to do in real life. He would listen with big eyes. This technique worked 100% of the time and always got him from borderline hysterical to calm. It led to a lot of conversations about having to follow rules "in real life" and getting to do whatever you want in the story.By using the stories, my kid could fantasize about being as strong or defiant as he wanted without actually hurting anyone. Sometimes I would worry that I was encouraging bad behavior, but I quickly quelled that. He never acted out after a story. It became a sort of refuge for him. After months of doing the new story technique, he began to ask for stories when he wasn't getting his way. I'm hoping that in the near future he will be making his own stories in his head instead of bullying kids at schoolSummary of the technique:Ask kid how he/she would want the situation to goCreate an elaborate story about how the kid gets to do exactly what they want in the storyAt the end of the story you may ask "is ____ happy now that everything went his/her way?"You can also say "Stories are great because you can make anything happen. In real life we have to follow rules and we can't always get our way. Sometimes this is very hard. Stories can make us feel better."I've been thinking of sharing this for some time now. I really hope it helps someone. I would have loved it if I knew this technique when my kid was a lot younger. But it's better late than never! I'm sure it can help older kids too. They can tell their fantasy stories in the form of writing or artwork.And for your amusement let me share how some of these stories would go: "Once about a time you went to this play area with your brother. You were having a lot of fun. Suddenly some big kids came and touched the blocks you were playing with. You got really mad and hit them. Then the owner came and told you to leave because you were breaking the rules. You said "no, I am going to stay!" Then the owner called the police because you weren't leaving. The police came and told you to go home. You shoved the police and said "I'm not listening to you!" The police said that they will carry you out if you don't listen. You locked the police up in jail." You should've seen the grin on his face after that story... lol... what a weird kid :)One final thought. Of course it's important to teach your kids how to behave, for example saying sorry when they hurt someone, asking politely for a toy, telling another kid kindly to leave them alone. I've found that these "life lessons" always work better after the story. Toddlers especially feel such a lack of control. It's so challenging to force them to behave well when they feel powerless. The story is a good way to show them that they always have power over their thoughts, even if they don't have power over the external world. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2es3Wqf
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