I'm 27 and the father to a beautiful two month old baby, my first child. After being told by my partner, my manager at work and a colleague that I should visit a doctor due to my depression, I decided to make an appointment and get myself down there.Four years ago this Christmas I was first diagnosed with depression, though I had been suffering with it for some time previous to this. I know how it feels to be depressed: to feel alone, helpless, useless, isolated. To feel nothing. It is worse for me now than it ever was then.I believe it began a few days after my son was born. My partner attempted to breastfeed him and, though no fault of her own, was not able to. This continually brought her to tears through pain and a feeling of not being able to give our son what he needed. I was there to support her all the time (all the time being my measly two weeks of paternity leave and a weeks holiday I'd booked off work to make up for the lack of time given to new dads) but it was incredibly difficult and painful for myself to see the woman I love brought to tears like this on such a regular basis.We made it through this and agreed to bottle feed our son instead. Things went smoothly for the first time since he was born. It was so much easier. So much quieter. It was bliss. No more pain. No more tears. At least, not from my partner. Our son was still crying, but we could deal with that.Then came the return to work.I go into work for my first day back and everyone asks me the same thing. The same thing I've been asked by family and friends throughout my maternity leave. How is the baby? How is your partner doing? That's it. And they're both doing great. How am I doing? Nobody asks. Nobody seems to care. Is it selfish of me to want someone to ask so that I can tell them that I'm not ok? That I'm dealing with this huge change in my life, struggling with it, and that society tells us that it's not ok for dads to be upset. There seems to be an ignorance in society to the effect that a newborn child has on a man. I'm not saying it's as much as what a woman goes through, but when I'm getting depression from having a newborn, there should be somewhere I can turn. But, much like the stigma around mental health, it seems like post-paternal depression is something to be whispered on only the darkest corners of the internet.Two weeks paternity leave is enough time for you to bond with your baby and deal with the massive upheaval in your life. Then you have to go back to work like nothing ever happened.Now my son is starting to be more aware of things going on. He's smiling too. Making the cutest noises. I know this because my partner tells me he's smiling, sends me pictures of him smiling while she's playing with him or talking to him at home while I'm at work. And when I get home from work (anywhere between 5pm and 7pm depending on my shift), he cries. It genuinely feels sometimes as if he does not want me to be at home. I sometimes feel as though he doesn't like me. And this makes me feel like I'm not a good enough dad for him. That I can't support my partner. I get frustrated when I don't know how to calm him and because of this I feel like I'm letting him down.Why am I posting all of this on Reddit? Because I can't find anywhere else to turn. My partner is a tremendous help and continually supports and reassures me, but as the first male of my friendship group to become a father, I feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to in detail about this. I guess I'm hoping to find some kindred spirits.As for my trip to the doctors to discuss my depression, it cemented everything I thought I knew about the lack of support. When I mentioned I thought I had depression (because I know how it feels), he did seem concerned. When I mentioned I also had a newborn baby, he practically laughed. "What you're feeling is normal," he said. "I've got kids myself. You just need to be more resilient," he said.Well, why hadn't I thought of that before? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2NZcdoT
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