7 Long Years

Preface - This is probably going to be long.I started this on my phone and had a really good chunk of it typed out and accidentally hit my back button and it was -gone- ! No confirmation prompt or anything! Maddening! So I am retyping it out on my computer this time.​I am a 33 year old divorced dad to a 12 year old girl (soon to be 13). She was my 21st birthday present. I split with her mom for many reasons but the biggest of them was trust - there couldn't be any trust any longer as she was a "serial cheater" among other things. It really was, for the longest time, hard for me to cope with because another angle of this is that my ex and I have known each other and been friends since we were 6 years old. She lived in another state that I used to visit every year during the summer and that's how we met and remained friends, pen-pals (before the internet) and then eventually email / IM / text "crushes" who finally decided to give it a shot and she joined me in New Orleans in 2005. We were idealistic and young and thought we were going to help and make a difference by participating in Katrina relief work. She became pregnant a few months later with our daughter and we moved to her home-state with her (millionaire) parents to have our daughter and try to do it right and make a home for her properly.We were officially married in August of 2012. I would learn of my best childhood friend being in the hospital dying while we were in her home-state going through the motions of the ceremony. I would bury him labor day weekend of the same year. She would also cheat, again, not long after returning and then go out to drink all day one day, come home and beat my face up and get arrested for domestic assault. She wouldn't be convicted of that charge in the long run, because I wouldn't participate with the DA in testifying against her. That's because her millionaire father "indirectly" insinuated that if I did, I would disappear... And at the time I wholeheartedly believed him.At this point in our lives, we had shifted to where I was a "stay at home" dad in most sense of the word. She worked an official job for the steady mortgage / bill payments and I took care of the house... But I also registered a DBA for a tech consulting business I was trying to start and get off the ground so I did that at night after everyone was settled and kiddo was off to bed. We only had one car. Her job was literally on the other side of our back fence and she could walk to work easily... but didn't.When I left her, less than a year after being officially married I had no official job, home, or car. I went to my sisters and started over from scratch. More importantly I didn't have an attorney or a means for one. The beginning of what I call our "continuous legal proceedings" is kind of blurry for me due to stress (I went from ~190lbs to ~150lbs within about a month and a half living at my sisters apartment sleeping on her couch), but in the short time between when I left her and our first appearance in front of the judge for our initial "temporary orders," God blessed me with the means to acquire a steady job, a running reliable vehicle (I still miss that Xterra), and an apartment! But I had barely collected my first paycheck from that job when we appeared in front of the judge and still had no attorney. And the judge wouldn't grant a reset for me to get one. And Father's for equal rights was hardly any help at all.​My ex tried everything she could with one of the best lawyers money could get in this town (big city in Texas; yeah we moved here from her home state about 10 years ago by the way), to rake me through the coals. She wanted me to have no visitation and, at best, limited supervised visitation.. They flat-out lied and made stuff up about me to the judge and I had no (educated) way to defend myself in a court of law.​I walked away from that nearly a broken man. With a standard possession order and a smug-as-hell ex-wife.​I struggled, people. I struggled to drive across town from work to get my daughter on Thursday nights for our 2 hour dinner window... Some nights, thanks to traffic in this city, I would only get an hour with her, but I still did it. I took every minute I could and cherished it. I love my girl... I was exhausted. I was bordering on PTSD just from my overall relationship with her mom, let alone the on-going divorce, and yet I never let myself talk bad about her mom in front of her. I built her mom up to her if I needed to and that has, throughout all of this and continues to be, the HARDEST PART OF BEING HER DAD!​I prayed for God to do what I, as a Christian, believed He would do... Come through and vindicate me against those who persecute me and slander me... And He did. This past Wednesday. Before I get to that, I will briefly (since this is already so long) make this list:Initial agreement after "mediation" with an attorney I found who allowed me to make payments for services (VERY RARE) I got extended SPO; 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends from Thursday night to Monday morning. During this time I met my now wife at church and slept on the couch in a 1 bedroom apartment we shared.Initial agreement is modified, betwixt our attorneys, which allows me enroll her in private school. The also helps me to see her more, as the school is our church and my now-wife's parents pick her up until we get off work. My ex then either picks her up from their house or we get her depending on the weekend. I also get to see her for a few minutes almost every day at their house because it's on my way home from work and I stop there everyday to see her before her mom gets there, win!My now-wife and I marry in 2016 roughly a year after buying a house together. The church is closing their school portion after the 2017 school year. I'm terrified about her being enrolled in my ex's district and also troubled by things my daughter is telling me. My ex married the last guy she cheated on me with, a couple months before my wife and I married (after she heard we were engaged). The guy she married has a long rap sheet I find when I run a background check on him and when we get to the end of the 5th grade year, my daughter finally tells me she has no bedroom door and cameras in her room. She comes home at one point (I have already contacted my attorney and asked for the ball to be rolling on court at this time) and tells me her mom has randomly had her pen-paling with an inmate who is doing two life sentences for 1st degree murder x2. And that her mom has actually TAKEN her to the prison as a visitor to SEE HIM. We go to court and our new order is literally 50/50. One week at my house, one week at her moms. We also finally nail down alternating years for tax purposes, and neither party pays child support. The biggest item is I get to dictate school district. She starts middle school of 2018 at the junior high down the road from me. The judge specifically orders (in our new paperwork) for her mom to get her a bedroom door, remove the cameras, stop any/all communication with this inmate, and not initiate any communication with any other inmate that isn't a direct family member including visits to any prison.around the 18th of September I get a call from my daughters school to come pick her up. No details over the phone I need to come get her..... ooooook.. I leave work and show up, escorted to the counselors office and walk in to two district police officers. My daughter has expressed the desire to kill herself both verbally and in writing. They are taking her in the squad car (I have no choice) to a mental hospital for evaluation. She spends a week there. Her mother sees her once. The only day I don't see her is when I let my in-laws go see her and take my "slot" (she can only have two visitors at one time). She still doesn't have a bedroom door. My ex is in the process of divorcing the guy she was married to. My wife and I have two sons now, and they absolutely adore my daughter and she adores them. they are 2 and 10 months old. I contact attorney and we start the ball rolling ASAP. Which brings us to the past couple weeks.My ex is slightly railroaded by the court stuff. She feels things have been "so great and open" between us for such a good long while now. I hold back the urge to tell her the only reason things are amicable is because of how much shit I swallow and how picky I am with my "battles" because I just want what's right by our daughter. That's my job. I'm dad. I'm supposed to shoulder those burdens so she doesn't have to (my daughter). My request for a TRO and full custody until our court date is essentially denied. I can't keep my daughter from her mom and during her stay at the hospital it came out that she has, with regularity, been stressed out because she is late to school when her mom is supposed to be taking her because her mom and her boyfriend are "having loud sex" in their room... less than ten yards away from her bedroom directly down the small hallway. In an all-tile home. And she still has no bedroom door. It also comes out that my daughter caught her mom and her moms boyfriend with weed, dead to rights, when they went "camping" on the beach this past labor day weekend. She's 12 and she's crazy smart. She knows what it was.Our original court day to determine new temporary orders was supposed to be the 30th. My attorney ends up very sick and hospitalized. It's reset for the 8th. The 8th approaches and she is still hospitalized. I do not want to reset again and the court won't any way. I have to go in front of the judge with one of my attorney's partners whom I've never worked with. Spoiler alert - he is a BAMF.My ex's attorney subpoenas the full 150-odd page medical records from my daughter's stay at the hospital. Only positive things she said about dad's house. Mom is a different story. Mom got CPS called on her due to some of the things my daughter brought up. CPS case is still open. I testify for about two hours in front of the judge. I got sick last weekend and by the 8th, I have nearly completely lost my voice. I testify anyway. It's important. My ex testifies for less than 20 minutes. My attorney tells me later that it was "obvious" the judge had already made a ruling before she took the stand (when she called a recess and had returned), but he played along because it just dug the hole for her more.She is snippy and defensive in her tone when asked questions. Evidence is presented that I asked her when she was to replace the door multiple times through text throughout the year and she always guaranteed me it would be this or that time-frame and never happened. The judge herself participates and asks her questions about why she didn't do it - she states it was financial. When asked how much it cost her when she finally repaired it (about 10 days ago) she says "around $600." My attorney provides evidence showing how much the MSRP is on the brand new Toyota Tacoma she just bought is, from the dealership she bought it from, and the minimum down-payment they accept -with trade in- for any kind of financing, --signed, sealed, delivered from the sales manager of the dealership-- that shows we can reasonable assume she payed between $1000 and $4000 down payment for the truck with her mini-van trade in.​Judge reads her verdict and mom now has standard possession order; 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. She is ordered to pay dad child support starting December 1st. We cannot proceed to mediation step (required in our order before formal hearing for final orders) until certain parenting classes, counseling sessions, and other requirements have been met. I am ordered to ensure my daughter attends at least 1 counseling session a month until she has had at least 10 session before we can go to mediation again.​I did it. After 7 years I finally did it. I didn't do it for me. I didn't do it for anyone except my kid. She deserves the best I can give. That means I have had had borderline anxiety attacks, internal just... mega-wars, sleepless nights, and everything in between to ensure she feels supported, loved, encouraged, and anything else she needs to navigate life as it is for her right now. Psychiatrists and Lexapro prescriptions, counseling sessions, group sessions for LBGTQ+ that I go to with her.. Whatever it takes.​As a parent.. Especially a divorced parent.. The moments of pure..... affirmation that we are on the right track, can be fewer and farther between than seems fair. And this was a big one for me.I have a renewed spirit. This was a lot of closure for me as a person too. I have a new confidence and nearly zero anxiety communicating with her mother now. I have finally been backed by the government to officially and legally be the strong foundation of support for my daughter that I've been trying to be all along.Thanks for sticking with me this far if you're still reading. If you're a divorced dad and struggling and reading this - it's not an easy road. You will be tempted to quit and give up so much. Don't! Not because someday the tables might flip but because our kids watch and observe. They really do see and notice. Be the dad they need and be consistent. They deserve it! And if it gets overwhelming don't do what I did and hold it in and try to internalize it out of some damned foolish pride or whatever - reach out! Get support emotionally, from others who can lift you up and encourage you. Life can get better!! It took mine 7 years - nearly a decade! - but don't give up! via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/36OA95D