We waited a long time to have kids because i (the wife) didn’t feel I was emotionally ready. At 31, I decided it would be acceptable to “not try not prevent.” I conceived very easily.I had a terrible, traumatic pregnancy involving multiple hospitalizations and one full general-anesthesia surgery during my second trimester. I was put on antidepressants during pregnancy because I was having such a hard time.Baby was born healthy. Husband is overjoyed with her; he’s absolutely in love. And don’t get me wrong, I love her too. I just...I just don’t feel like I’m a very good mom.I’d rather go on a run by myself in the morning than hang out with her. I’m sick and tired of 2am wake ups. I’m still breastfeeding but I’m considering giving it up for no other reason than I want to democratize the situation between me and my husband. Why shouldn’t he do the 2am wake ups?To add to this, we both work from home. Real life tech jobs (not MLM), mostly from our home office or living room. It sounds like a great situation, but it’s not. We have a fantastic in-home nanny, but lately her schedule has been erratic and there have been multiple days where I’ve either had to call in sick to take care of the baby or I’ve just had to run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to answer emails and IMs and tend to the baby at the same time.The biggest and most important problem I’m having though is that my daughter seems like a very high-maintenance baby. She has to be playing with someone, be pushed around in the stroller, picked up and carried, talked to, entertained, or otherwise interacted with at seriously every waking moment. If we aren’t doing these things, she makes this horrible high-pitched wail that sounds something like “I am so bored and neglected, PLEASE come pay attention to me!” I have a friend with a baby of a similar age and he is happy to hang out with his toys by himself for 20-45 minutes as long as one parent is in view. My baby? Nope. She’s upset the moment we’re not entertaining her.I’m doing my best. I want to be a good mom. But currently I’m cranky all the time and I just want a few goddamn nights to myself in a hotel room, watching stupid cable shows and drinking wine. I want my husband to clean the house for once or do even HALF of the emotional labor I do related to the baby.I’m not saying my husband isn’t involved. He actually is a very involved parent. But I still find myself annoyed with him constantly. It feels like his career takes priority over mine. It feels like he assumes I’m in charge of finding backup childcare when our nanny isn’t available. If I don’t find any backup care, then I’m just screwed. I have to take care of the baby AND work. I have friends that support me but not in the way I need support.Oh and also, my husband and I have different sleep schedules. I go to bed around 9, he goes to bed around 1. As such, he has volunteered to cover wake-ups that happen between 9pm and 1am. Sounds nice, right? Except the baby doesn’t wake up then. She wakes up at 2:30. I’m fucking exhausted.I always thought I wanted two kids but literally I could not handle taking care of a goldfish right now. I am a clean freak and my house is now always messy; I’ve had to learn to accept it and live in the grossness. Yes we’ve hired a cleaner; they don’t come often enough for me to have a serene environment as often as I’d like. (Plus, with me, husband, nanny, and baby all in the same house, it can get real awkward to have cleaning ladies there at the same time. Too many cooks in the kitchen.)Whenever my husband and I fight I just always end up apologizing to get the argument over with. Even if I don’t feel like I’m wrong. I just want the conflict to go away. I just want him to recognize how much WORK I am doing for this family, thank me for it, and then take in more than half of it. I also want to go to motherfucking Thailand. I’ve been promised a Thailand vacation for years. We have the money but we don’t have the time.I highly doubt anyone has read this far but if you have, thank you. I just needed to emotionally dump all of these thoughts that lass through my head somewhere. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2WlGpw4
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