I’m raising my son who was conceived by my wife and her affair partner. My wife and I are still married and I love him as my own. The biological father and my son met for the first time this past weekend and I’m needing to anonymously vent a little.

My wife and I have been together for 20 years and we have 5 kids. The son who is not mine biologically recently turned 10 years old. My wife and I agreed it was the right time to tell him. We struggled with this decision because we didn’t know where the line was between waiting for an appropriate age and lying to him for our own comfort.Based on the facts, our son has a good man who is his biological father who is willing to meet him and be in his life and he has 3 more siblings he has a right to know.Our decision was made based on the maturity of our now 10 year old and the fact that his biological father was a good person, excluding the affair, and father to his other kids.Shortly after our son was born (I’d been told about the affair a few months prior), we had a dna test that would ultimately confirm our fears.Myself, my wife, her affair partner, and his wife all agreed that he would sign away any parental rights and that our two families would go our separate ways. We wouldn’t sue for child support, we’d just proceed as if I had been the one who got my wife pregnant.Since then, my wife and I are still married with no plans I know of to separate or divorce and we both are dedicated to our children.I won’t lie and tell you parenting our son this thread is about has been easy. It’s been painful and it has also brought me just as much joy and pride as our other children have.He’s a good kid, he’s got a big heart, he’s very empathetic and I think this is his best quality. Even when he’s talking to his older siblings when they’re upset they’ve been punished, you can see and hear that he really, genuinely cares and wants to understand so he can help in some way.When his friends at school were having a down day, he’ll tell his siblings and his mother and I about what it was and how he could cheer them up next time he sees them.He’s not a particularly gifted athlete but he tries his best and he’s well liked by his teammates and the coaches love him.He struggles in school sometimes, but he’s got no quit in him.I admire him and I love him so much and I’m happy to call him my son but there have been many moments over the years that have been painful.When I’m with him or the whole family and someone comments that he has my smile or eyes or something. My mind immediately says, “No he doesn’t. He can’t.”My son has some health related issues inherited from his father and every time we address them, I think of the man my wife cheated with.Sometimes I just feel like a fool for raising him and I feel terrible for it. When I’m putting money into his education, I think I’m an idiot. When I’m spending a day with him or helping him with homework or scheduling dentist appointments or ordering something for his birthday or taking care of him when he’s sick or teaching him something as a parent.It’s like something bubbles up inside me and I have to constantly reject it. He’s never done anything to cause me pain. He’s completely innocent in everything. But those feelings are there and I fear they’ll always be with me.And my wife. I love her. She’s a dream of a mother, she’s funny, she’s a great conversationalist, she’s extremely well read and I’m constantly—constantly learning new things from her and I love that. She’s beautiful and I still to this day feel my heart rate pick up a little when she comes near. And I think I’ve forgiven her but the feelings I mentioned earlier make me wonder if I’m lying to myself and to her.Just like with my son, I often feel like a fool when I’m doing something for my wife or caring for her. A few months ago for her birthday, I was cooking her favorite meal and half way through, in the kitchen I just stopped moving and thought, “You’re a fool.”I stood there in that spot thinking that over and over and trying to to reject it so long my oldest daughter saw me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was thinking about something at work and that was that.I feel like a terrible person for having these feelings. I’ve seen therapists and I’ve practiced mindfulness and I’ve had lots of success with moving on. I think or thought I’d had forgiven everyone involved.And maybe I have and these feelings are just bubbling up in me because of the presence of the biological father in our lives again and our son being very excited about it cuts me. I’ll never tell or show him that, but it does hurt.I feel exhausted and want to sleep, but when I tried to lay down and sleep, I couldn’t and ended up writing this. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2OETUmb