So i grew up in one state and always wanted to leave, so after college i got a job in another state where i met my husband. We live maybe 3000 miles from my parents. I’m the oldest of 2 and have the first and only grandchildren (3F and 6mM). My parents have very flexible schedules so they basically would fly to visit once a month or every 2 months at the most since my daughter was born.They love her more than anything and when they come into town they pretty much take her the entire time, even though we are in the same house. It was fine when she was a baby, but has become a problem as she’s gotten older.For one, they have zero ability to discipline or parent - which i know is not their job. But they come so frequently that i can’t handle the interruptions in our life. My daughter becomes an absolute terror as soon as they are here because she knows she can get away with anything. I try to step in and parent and they actively go against it - try to butt in when I’m disciplining, actively allow things i say no to (like absolutely no iPad in bed - i go upstairs and they have given her their iPad in the bed).So it all came to a head when they were visiting after the baby was born and i had just started back to work. I was sleep deprived and had developed a major migraine at work. My husband had a work thing and was not home that night. I was so sick i couldn’t even breastfeed so i handed the baby to my parents and pumped while i just tried to close my eyes and not vomit from the pain. A few hours later i drug myself across the hallway to give them the milk i had pumped, but at this point it was maybe 11 pm. I walk in and they are asleepish, my daughters on the bed with an iPad. Without me saying anything my dad gets instantly defensive (because he knows I’m going to be upset that she’s up at 11 with an iPad!) and says that my daughter is “so bad” he can’t handle it, he “can’t say no” and “can’t yell at her like i do” (i don’t “yell”...). Then he goes off about how she’s “mean” to my mom (more about this in a second). I gather both my children and put them in bed with me.So my mother...ugh. We have a strained relationship and the only way i can describe it is that I’ve always felt like i was the parent and her the child. I have huge resentment because of this. She is just very child like, she would cry to me real tears when i was growing up which was awakwrd and made me feel like shit. She would get jealous of everyone, neighbors, my friends, my teammates - and had huge embarrassing melt downs (yelling at my coach during a high school volleyball game for not putting me in, in front of everyone and then evolving into sobbing yelling and cursing). I don’t know. Maybe she’s on the spectrum. It’s hard to say. She is definitely depressed but recently started meds and my dad said she’s been crying less.Anyways, i definitely am distanced from my mother emotionally. And she hates it. So now my daughter seems to make her really happy because she shows grandma love and affection. Which was fine. But my mother is smothering - she won’t stop talking to you, asking what she can get you, touching you (not inappropriately but i just don’t like touching, like brushing your hair back etc). My daughter is starting to get annoyed after all these years. So she literally just ignores my mom when she asks her questions incessantly, or sometimes will scream “NO!!!!” When she can’t take it anymore. So this has really been what’s been wearing down on my parents. My mom will drop passive aggressive comments about how my daughter doesn’t like her anymore. My dad basically is upset that my daughter is now “mean” to grandma. He said several times “she’s MEAN.” My 3 year old...I am NOT cool with this. But it’s hard for me to verbalize what the problem is. Can someone package this up and help me explain to them? I mean 3 year olds say shit and do shit and it’s nothing personal. Also they push boundaries. She’s walking all over them because they let her, not because she’s inherently bad. She is a really good girl when they aren’t here.Before anyone says it, we immediately scaled back on visits. Last visit was July and we had a previously scheduled visit in December so that’s the next one. They usually try to get in more times but they are backed off because they know they messed up. The day after the migraine thing my dad back tracked on everything he said and i know they are worried we are going to just never see them again.Thanks for reading, would love to hear your advice on this issue, specifically the putting their emotions on the kids. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2P8WjGO
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