Husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. Husband is an only-child who suffers from anxiety and occasional depression. He believes that these are partly genetic and party due to his upbringing. I am one of three who, as an adult, does have not close relationships with my grown siblings due to personality/political/morality issues (that's a whole different post) but deeply wish I did. Prior to getting married, I told husband that having multiple kids was very important to me and would be a relationship deal breaker. I wanted four. He wanted one. We met in the middle(ish) and agreed on two. I even have that in writing. No lie.Fast forward.We have a daughter. She is three and wonderful. We both absolute adore her. My pregnancy was hard and my birth/labor was harder. Adjusting to parenting was difficult for us both. Those newborn days seemed to bring out the worst in my husband's anxiety/depression. When daughter was just a few weeks old, he told me that he wasn't having another. He didn't ask. He told. Frankly, I was exhausted, physically recovering from a c-section, and dealing with baby blues myself so I told him we would just table the conversation until daughter was 2. He agreed.Daughter is now 3 and we've been in therapy (both joint and individually) for the last 2 years and still cannot get on the same page re: a second child. I desperately want another -- for me, for our daughter, and even for my husband. (His anxiety/depression sometimes makes him oddly fixated on our daughter and he honestly doesn't think it is possible to "love two kids" and I think some of that mentality relates to his only-child status.) Our daughter is obsessed with "babies" and constantly asks when she is getting a little sister or a little brother. As for me, well, I don't feel like our family is "complete" and I want to experience pregnancy/newborn life again badly. Despite all the time and effort we've put into figuring out a solution, there is simply no "compromise" here. Either we have a second child or we don't.If we don't, I don't know if I'll ever stop resenting him. I told him from the start that multiple kids were important to me - deal breaker level important. I feel mislead. I love him deeply but I get so mad that he's put me in this position.If we do, he says that he won't be able to cope with his anxiety/depression anymore. We've talked (a million times) through things we can do to help him manage those in the event of another kid (together and with professionals), but he says none of it will matter. He is convinced it won't work. He just continues to state that "he won't be happy."Any time we've gotten "close" to an agreement (usually him semi-relenting and saying we can have another) he'll dive into a depressive state for a few days and talk about how much he hates life and how boring it is to be adults/parents and have set routines and schedules. He'll go as far as to talk about how much easier it would be to simply "not be alive." This of course, usually makes me drop the conversation and as soon as it is dropped and life returns to "normal" his depression lifts and he is happy as a calm again and unable to understand why I'm being distant. He'll talk to his therapist about the depressive episode but nothing ever comes of it.I guess what I'm asking is this --- anyone older/wiser ever have this sort of debate/discussion with a partner? How did it play out? How do you get through it? Did you end up hating each other over the final outcome? This just seems so hopeless most days.I love my husband but hate how much I currently resent him.Couple of additional things:1) Ability to "afford" another kid financially isn't an issue;2) We both work FT but I've offered to let husband go PT or quit his job if he would agree to another kid in order to combat his depression/anxiety;3) We regularly schedule "date nights" and alone time to get a break from the kid and focus on our relationship;4) Husband, IMO, has a history of exhibiting a victim mentality and I sometimes wonder if his "depression" over the issue is manipulation to get me to drop it altogether; and5) While I'm not ancient, I am quickly approaching an age where it may not be as easy for me to get pregnant and/or carry a pregnancy to term. So this isn't a decision we can put off for years. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2C0FREu
No comments:
Post a Comment