Dear new parents,

I am not just typing this on my phone on account of being day-drunk before 11am. Although it may be a contributing factor.When I had my kids a well-meaning relative gave me "what to expect when you're expecting and also the next one with a further three years or something".This book did nothing for me.And right now... I just want to talk to all the young ladies with their precious little tater-monkeys wondering if they're causing irreparable harm swaddling too tight or not know THE FUCK IS SWADDLING?Sixteen years from now that precious little bundle of yellow poop and lamb-noises is going to have a full beard and say, I shit you not:I need a ride to Liam's house tomorrow. And ten head of lettuce. For a video. Its not sexual. I swear.Wanna know WHY I got tasked to procuring ten heads of lettuce for obvious fucking woodsy vegisexual porn? I'm apparently "the cool mom". I'm on a fixed fucking income you lol bastards! I'm disabled! What the fuck!?So please... Take a moment out of your days of stress and anxiety and worry for your precious little babies and think less, "what am I doing that will harm this innocent creature?" and remember in very short order they are going to smell like a goat and do unspeakable things with coconuts and they will be traumatizing you RIGHT THE FUCK BACK.Its the long game, baby. Always remember it's the long game. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2eanpfL