Terminating My Parental Rights

Hey people,Would just like ya’ll to weigh in on this.I have a 16-month-old daughter that I have not met yet. If you dig through some of my post history, you will find a myriad of other posts talking about what is going on regarding my custody battle. However, I’ll try and fill you in with some cliff notes.My ex has not let me meet or see our daughter so far. I have tried as much as I can to come to some agreement with her. I haven’t spoken with my ex verbally since December of 2017. I have texted her somewhat starting in July 2018. She got a temporary restraining order against me in January 2018 because I visited my ex’s grandmother and tried to speak with her about the pregnancy. My ex claimed that it was harassment and stalking and filed for a TPO. The judge granted a TPO saying it was for a “cooling off period.” The day my ex told me she was pregnant she was asking me to terminate my parental rights.Once the TPO ended, I waited a few months to give my ex the chance to reach out to me voluntarily. I didn’t hear from her, so I texted her. I have all of our correspondence saved and documented and it has been given to my lawyer. However, she basically told me to get lost, that this was HER child. The last thing she texted me at this time was “I have a child, my child has a father, and I don’t want to speak to you anymore.” I then started reach out to a few people in her family asking them to speak with her about this because I was getting nowhere with her.About a week after speaking to some members of her family, she texted me on Instagram gaslighting me saying “I’ve been trying to talk to you.” “Why won’t you speak to me, trying to talk to my family behind my back is the wrong way to go about this.” “I’ve always wanted you apart of this, why are you making this harder than it has to be?” I confronted her on a lot of that. I wasn’t ok with her trying to down-play her role in all of this and make it look like something that it wasn’t.Eventually I sussed out some info from her about our daughter and was given a few pictures of our kiddo, it was like pulling teeth. Things like me asking for pictures were met with more gaslighting, where she would say “yes I’ll send you pictures” and then make excuses for why she couldn’t or that she would claim to send some and that it was my fault for not getting any.Eventually I asked to speak with her over the phone and again, to try to come to an agreement with her about how to move forward. She said she would only speak with me in person, how convenient (she knew I moved to another state for work during the TPO). Everything with her is some ultimatum. After a few weeks of getting nowhere with her, her saying she would call me on x time on x day and finding excuses, I asked her on Instagram if she would indeed only speak with me in person… She said yes and that I could meet the kiddo. So I bought a plane ticket right then, told her I would be in town the following morning, and that I would be there for 7 days. I told her that I can be available to meet anytime for the next 7 days. For 7 days she ghosted me and left me on “read” on Instagram.When I got back from visiting, I got an email from her lawyer saying that she filed Allocation of Parental Responsibility. I figured this was her next best step on delaying things as much as possible in light of the fact that I was not going give up on trying to be a father. I got an email from my ex stating that the rationale for this was that I was being uncooperative (she filed 3 days before I left town and was in her current state trying to come to an agreement with her and see the child.)So, I called a lawyer and spoke about what to do. I wanted to be a dad and be in my daughter’s life. I packed up my apartment a few days later and drove back to my home state. I only moved away during the TPO to get a breather and make more money than I could in my home state.So now we are about four months deep into court. The only thing that we have established is paternity and child support. I have not met my daughter and spent any time with her. I have missed her first steps, her teeth growing in, her talking, walking, 2 Thanksgivings and 2 Christmases. Its infuriating, nauseating, and depressing.My last court date was a conference call from my lawyer’s office. My lawyer gave her lawyer an option to either let me meet my daughter on or before Christmas or she was going to file a forthwith motion for temporary visitation with supervision. My exes lawyer fired back saying that there were concerns about me spending time with my daughter because I was sexually abused, had limited parenting skills, never met my daughter, and whatnot. It’s all a bullshit excuse and time wasting. My lawyer to my knowledge, has yet to file anything. I’m my lawyer’s charity case anyways, I’m sure if I made more money and put down a bigger retainer she would be more apt to being more expedient and not put this shit on the back burner.I’ve tried everything with my ex. I’ve tried circling the wagons and speaking with anyone that can try to rationalize with her. Her stepmother is the only one that is privy to how dysfunctional the family dynamic is. My exes father just hangs up on me whenever I call and try to speak about what is going on.As time goes on, I’m becoming more and more resentful. I feel like I don’t have a voice in any of this, I just want to see my daughter, and be the best dad I can to her. As time goes on, I feel less and less that she is even my daughter or that I have a daughter. My ex started dating her old boyfriend (whom when we dated claimed beat her), and I’m inundated with pictures of him holding my daughter and doing things together. He might as well be her dad now.I am working two jobs now, working 64 hours a week to keep up with my debt, lawyer bill, and child support, and other bills. I’ve downsized my life as much as possible and am pinching pennies. I eat a steady diet of eggs, rice, and sour cream. I can’t continue school at this time either. My lawyer is costing me an arm and a leg. I just got billed for our 2.5-hour court conference for ~$800.I can’t imagine doing this for another 4-5 years. Battling every step of the way just be recognized by my daughter as the bad guy and being shit on by my ex, her family, and lawyers nonstop. Court seems like a money machine and the more I learn about father rights, Title IV D funding and the national average of custody splits, this seems like a huge racket. It must be nice using the “Best Interests of the Child” broadly as a front to give mothers majority custody, so counties can collect child support from fathers, in which the county is reimbursed anywhere from $3-$12 for every $1 dollar collected in child support. If you are ever wondering where social security or taxes are going, its going to reimbursing countries for collecting child support… I’m a wage slave now. Not a father.I think it’s time to consider terminating my parental rights. I have no bond with the child anyways and my daughter is 16 months old, the window where neurological associations infants make to fathers is slowly closing, and I’m sure she see’s my exes new boyfriend as a father anyways. At what point is it enough? Even if I get visitation, it’ll be 1-2 hour visits a week for the next few years, while continuing to fight in court, and jump through hoops. 4 hours a month isn’t a father. 8 hours a month isn’t a father. Whatever I bring to the table as a father cannot contend with the dysfunction or character defects of my ex or her family. Whatever I bring to the table will just be drowned out. Image 5 years from now, mommy and daddy are still in court fighting over minutia and technicalities, tossing you from home to home with back handed comments about the other parent being reiterated by family members in some warped agreement and coalition against your other parent.Doing a simple cost benefit analysis of all of this… It seems like a waste. There is no benefit for anyone if I stick around. The opportunity cost of fighting all of this, not being able to continue school, the lawyer bills, the child support, the hoops, the CFI’s… All for what? 8 hours a month, constant dissent between mommy and daddy? Who does my daughter trust, when mommy gives her things and fattens her up and daddy is only at 8 hours a month visitation?Eventually I’ll lose my daughter in all of this anyways. Her mother will just inundate, and brain wash her behind close doors. When the age of maturity comes when my daughter is 13, she will just go to court and elect to live her mother and I won’t see her anymore.This is a losing proposition. I can just sign my rights away. Learn from this. Put myself in a better position to be a husband and father. Choose a spouse more wisely. I can have a family in the future. Or, I can fight tooth and nail to be a weekend landing pad of a father and not have those opportunities.I’m not superman. This shit weighs on me nonstop. I barely sleep. My nights are filled with constant rumination and what if’s. My mornings are full of depression. I’ll start drinking or using drugs again to cope probably. I can’t imagine holding my shit together for years to come. Taking everything on this chin. What do I do when the sexual abuse allegations of my daughter start coming in as a last-ditch effort for my ex to drag my name through the mud? We all know that’s going to happen.This is a zero-sum game if I stick around. I’ll be grinding and fighting to lose. If I terminate my rights, I’m called a deadbeat in societies eyes. If I terminate my rights “mommy WAS right about daddy.” If I terminate my rights, all my exes lies and manipulation to her family is seen as true and “she was just fighting to be a good, protective mother.”I want to terminate my parental rights, either way I lose. But this way I lose less and can maybe have a future.Edit: terminating my rights can happen. Our lawyers can come to an agreement. My ex is the one that "has to propose termination" for the state to entertain the idea. She will marry her boyfriend and he will adopted the child. I will be released of my parental and financial obligations. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2uc9dxW