"We don't believe in physical discipline." That's what I've always said when someone recommended a swat on the butt to correct bad behavior from my two-year-old. I never ever thought I would be a spanking parent. I never ever imagined myself using any sort of physical discipline with my son.It happened yesterday. He was extremely cranky, refusing a nap and ignoring every stern command I gave him. We were past the point of gently suggesting a nap. It was the third hour past the initial time he was tucked into his toddler bed. It was my fault that he was overly tired and didn't want to go to sleep. All I could think about was the amount of housework I wanted to get caught up on before my husband returned from work. He was fighting this nap as if he was in the doctor's office about to get a vaccine. He was crying, kicking, screaming and my body ached terribly from the chronic illness I am learning to live with.The first hour was asking nicely. The second hour he had toys taken away. The third hour I lost it. I swatted his diapered bum twice. In the moment, I was desperate to prove to him that I mean business and this is not a fun game. In my mind, it made sense. I saw the crocodile tears and fear in his eyes. Did I really just do that? Did I seriously just spank my son? Me, the anti-spanking mom! I spanked my boy and I immediately regretted it.I cried more than he did. He fussed for less than a minute before rubbing tears out of his eyes and slowly drifting off to sleep between little sleepy cries that normally come when he is falling asleep. I bawled and apologized so many times as if he would understand that mommy felt so bad for giving him a swat on the diaper. It broke my heart in a million pieces as he pushed away from my hugs as if to say, "Leave me alone!"I let him have his nap and ruminated on the guilt. I cried for a solid 20 minutes after he fell asleep because of how horrible I felt for going against my own words on never spanking him. He woke up and acted like nothing happened. It didn't even seem to phase him. I pushed that guilt away and just held him while he ate his lunch. I gave so many kisses to him and didn't want to let him go, but logically realizing that rewarding him for the behavior earlier would only show him that he can get away with behaving the way he was. The tantrum can't be followed by positive reinforcement, I believe, because it would only encourage more tantrums in the future.I didn't want to tell my husband. I did and he comforted me. He understood the point of frustration and desperation that our stubborn boy could push any sane person to. He told me I didn't scar him for life or traumatize our son, but the irrational part of me questions the truth behind this. I know my son still loves me and forgave me.I have to forgive myself. I have to come up with a plan of action in case that situation happens again. Chronic pain is a huge part of my illness and being in pain, I admit, does make my patience a bit shorter than it would be without the pain.Can anybody recommend a form of discipline (not physical) that works for your toddler? Has anyone else had this experience? Can you give me any advice at all on how to forgive myself for what I've done?Disclaimer: I know many parents believe in spanking and this is not me judging you at all if you are a spanking supporter. I just personally do not want to use spanking to discipline my child. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Hzh0Zo
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