Baby blues

Everyone tells you to prepare for the baby blues. Nobody tells you exactly what they are, what are defined as normal thoughts, what is post-natal depression?Do you just assume you have it because you get worried and have a few depressing days? Do you go to see a doctor who will prescribe you the first thing they think of because they need you in and out in 10 minutes? Do you suck up your pride and speak to your close friends and family about it?I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to any of this. I don’t think people can tell you how to think or tell you if you’re normal. But I do think there needs to be better support for new mothers who ‘might’ be going through this.My issue is separation and anxiety with my daughter. My daughter is 4 months old, and has never spent more than 15 minutes with anyone else (even my partner, her father). I find it difficult to bathe, clean, sleep, see friends, I find it difficult to live a normal life. I don’t mean leaving her in a different house, or with strangers. I mean I find it too difficult leaving her when she is ten foot away from me. I rush every bath, most baths I actually have her in with me. She sleeps with me every night. I cook and clean one handed, or my partner does the housework while I hold her. I get too nervous putting her in a crib because of all of the horror stories about children getting injured or even worse, dying.For the first month, family and friends considered it normal. A new mother wanting to hold her baby all of the time, of course that’s normal.But four months down the line, and I still find it too hard to put her down, or leave her at all. It’s mostly worry. Worry that she will hurt herself and I won’t be there, worry that someone else might hurt her (be it accidental or otherwise). I have such morbid thoughts when it comes to anyone else wanting to hold her or do anything with her. I resent them, I don’t trust them, I envy them, I envy them holding her for five minutes and maybe seeing a smile that I would’ve missed out on.I start having small anxiety attacks, sweating, going dizzy, my heart racing, feeling sick. I’m in pain most days from trying to do too much, and holding her constantly, I’m sleep-deprived, I’m very isolated, rarely see my friends or family. I don’t want to see them because they’ll want to pick her up, and I won’t be able to relax.My family and partner put pressure on me without realising, trying to encourage me to take some time to myself, to have a long bath, even to go to mother and baby groups or playcentre’s, but the thought of being the odd one out in a room full of normal mothers was beyond anywhere I wanted to venture. I tried today, thinking my thoughts were just silly. I tried to go to Tesco’s for one hour, me and my partner, whilst she stayed with my parents who live less than one mile from Tesco’s. I felt ok, for the first ten minutes. Then the sweats and dizziness started, by the time we were half way around the store I was crying and couldn’t get my words out. I just kept repeating myself to my partner, ‘I need to leave’, ‘I need to get out of here’.Four months from now I’m expected to return to work, 10 hours a day away from her, 50 hours a week. The thought of that instantly makes me want to cry. Nobody can look after her like I can, nobody will love her as much as I do, nobody will pay her as much attention or see to her needs like I can, nobody is able to tell what cries or noises mean what like I can tell.If anyone can offer advice on how they dealt with anything similar, I would appreciate it. Nothing medical, nobody who knows me personally, just another mother who has felt even remotely similar to how I feel. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Hs6LIA