A touch of depression

I had PPD with my second child, and I thought I dodged a bullet with my third who is roughly 6 months old. Lately though, I have been feeling totally alone, exhausted, and isolated.Everyone in my house was sick for the holidays, my two youngest both have ear infections currently. It is 5 am and I haven’t gone to bed yet.I’m a stay at home mom and full time student. I am due to graduate in May and I’m currently on winter break. I might have stretched myself pretty thin, despite the fact I have a 3.9 cumulative GPA (one B+ did me in and I lost the chance at a 4.0). This was hard for me because even though I still have honors, I was striving for perfection.My baby 6m just cut two teeth and has been biting me (bf) so I have been pumping more to spare myself the agony.My middle child is probably going to need tubes in his ears AGAIN. He has chronic ear infections and a bad one currently.My kindergartener and oldest has been testing me so much lately and fighting with his younger brother (middle) non stop.My husband works crazy hours I feel like I never see him and when I do he is so exhausted it isn’t even like he can keep his eyes open. He comes home and everyone eats dinner and then it is bedtime routine (baths, brush teeth, read stories etc). I’m really feeling distance between us, not because he isn’t a wonderful husband. Mostly because he is working so much (to support our family for which I am grateful) but it is like he is at work more than he is home. I miss him, I miss spending any time with him no matter what we do.I’m cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, wiping butts, giving meds, giving baths, trying to just survive lately. There are days I don’t leave the house, it is just too hard with 3 small children. Leaving requires planning and packing up half the house and I just don’t have it in me.The mom guilt gets me too, that we are just such home bodies these kids deserve more. They deserve a mother who is fun and takes them places regularly, does fun activities and schedules play dates.I don’t even know how to socialize with the other moms at parent pick up. I don’t know if I am the problem or if they are all just weird but I avoid small talk if possible. Maybe because I am like the sad stay at home mom like in “bad moms”, but I am just so awkward at small talk anymore. I crave adult conversations and would love nothing more than to be able to have them. On the other hand though I also cringe at the idea of engaging with other people. I don’t even know how to explain it because it makes no sense.Sorry this is so choppy I am honestly exhausted but suffering from insomnia lately. I don’t know what to do I really hate anti depressants, and I know if I go back to counseling they will probably encourage me to get a prescription.I don’t feel like I have time to me depressed or take care of myself. I feel lately like I am a servant to my entire family. I know the kids are little and need me, I love being their mom and I’m so sorry if anyone mistakes my post in any other way.I am grateful for my children and my husband. I love them so much, I just feel like I’m not the best version of myself that they all deserve. I am trying so hard to get back in shape like I was before our surprise third baby. ( too much fun at a friend’s wedding, and boom the mom bod came back).I want to look good for my husband again, right now I feel unattractive. He has a colleague who has been showing him a lot of attention lately, and she is thin and beautiful. She is a lot, a long story I don’t want to bore anyone with. I trust my husband, but I don’t trust her; they work closely together. Again, pretty woman he spends most of his waking hours with> house wife with post baby pouch, dark circles that may never go away, and a bad attitude most of the time.Why am I torturing myself? I just washed the dishes and had to change my son’s sheets (at 4:30 am) because my husband won’t budge on the subject of pull-ups. So bed wetting and pee covered sheets are like my living purgatory. It is the never ending story...laundry.Sorry again for the choppy pity party I had for myself, maybe someone else out there can relate. Someone else who feels alone,sad, or less than perfect. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2MTynbi