[34m] Dark thoughts with second child.

Apologies in advanced for the long post.34M here. My second daughter is 3 months old today. My first daughter cried what I would say is a normal amount, and my wife and I were always empathetic and soothing and I genuinely tried to fix whatever situation was causing her to cry (change diaper, feed bottle, just snuggle, whatever). She got over it (as kids tend to do) and is now a happy healthy 2 year old.When our second daughter is not crying, she's bright eyed with big smiles and lots of laughs (which normally make her hiccup, which makes her laugh even more). I love both my girls more than I ever knew I could.My second daughter also cries what I would deem a normal amount, but it seems like she skips fussing and "regular crying" and goes straight to furious/terrified/painful crying. It's loud, it's abrasive, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard.I don't know why, but for some reason when I hear my second daughter rev up to this level, I don't feel sad or sympathetic or empathetic, I feel enraged. I realize how crazy this sounds, and I would never in a million years harm a hair on her head or put her into any discomfort. There have been more than a few occasions when I've just had to pass her off to my wife so I can take a breather. Not for fear of acting out, but just because it was driving me crazy.It took me a while to confide in my wife that our daughter's cry made me so angry. When I did, she suggested I go to therapy. I have been to therapy in my early twenties for help dealing with anger/frustration. I have also been to couples therapy with my wife more recently to help us sort out some marital issues stemming from my addiction to pornography (5 years "sober").Both times I've been to therapy I would say were successful, but I feel like they helped teach me how to act and react, rather than how to think. I have the opposite problem here: I'm very gentle and sweet with our girl. When she starts her caterwauling though, I see red. Half the time I just grit my teeth until she calms down, and the other half I give up and let my wife have a turn.You know how when some people approach a cliff or some steep drop-off, they imagine jumping off or pushing someone else off? I get these flashes of just like hurling my baby onto the bed and storming out or just screaming in her face. I want to make it clear that I feel insanely guilty about this; I'm not a violent person at all and these thoughts terrify me. I thought they were due to exhaustion and they'd go away, but honestly she sleeps fairly well so I'm getting a normal amount of sleep now.Please share if you or your co-parent have ever had feelings like this and what did you do to get rid of them. Not sure if it's relevant, but I am drug/medication free and drink alcohol sparingly in social environments only.TLDR: My infant daughter's cry makes me imagine hurting her and these thoughts terrify me and make me feel guilty. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2sNNtZ1