I met my wife 12 years ago. We instantly hit it off and have been together since.For years I was staunchly childfree. I hated the idea of dependants, which I think is natural in my early 20s but looking back sounds pretty shallow - what it really meant is that I didn't want to have to put other people before me. My wife always wanted a big family though. We started dating at 18 and she said she would wanted a child as soon as we got together.Five years later we've finished school and I keep pushing kids further forward into the future. She takes childcare jobs to satisfy her maternal drive. Eventually she ends up as a nanny for a big family with three great young kids. Sometimes I stop by to pick her up after work and have to wait around their house until their parents get home since they have demanding schedules. And I have to say they are good kids - they do seem like a lot of fun.One night I wake up in tears. I dreamed that the little boy was my son, and wake up and remember that it's not true. Slowly I realize that I am ready for a family.We time it pretty, although our son is too excited and shows up a month early. The NICU staff is amazing but we still cry ourselves to sleep wondering when our boy can get out of his incubator box.Finally after along week he can come home. The first while is tough as you all know, but every day is a bit easier.Now, almost 3 years later he's the best part of my life. He's my best friend and it's such an amazing experience to see him grow up.But my wife had a tough pregnancy. She says she is one and done. I disagree - I say it's not fair to our son, and it's selfish. She asks me to get a vasectomy and says she is sure she wants no more, but I am not interested in that.A few months go by, and I start to accept that this is our whole family. And I can see it. I can see so much of the great stuff we're going to do in our future. I'm not sure if I could love another child as much as our son and I don't want to. I think about the worsening state of the world, the reduced environmental impact with just one, and most importantly that we can still grow our family through adoption. So I book the surgery.Several says before I am getting cold feet. But I realize it's not desire for another child motivating me, just guilt. Guilt that my parents won't have a granddaughter, that my son won't have a sibling. But Catholic guilt has motivated enough of my life that I don't want it to make this decision too.Then I start thinking about the church views on a vasectomy and low and behold it's a mortal damnable sin... but I look at the quoted scripture and don't see it that way. They are extrapolating based on broad generalized commands. "Be fruitful and multiply" I remember our priest said it at our wedding too. But if that's a command to humanity, we have been very fruitful. Too fruitful. We have destroyed the whole with our fruitfulness. Surely God wouldn't give us the capacity to make amazing medical advances and say "yeah... but don't touch that stuff".Yesterday I went in. My wife doesn't drive so I had an amazing friend volunteer to shift his whole schedule to chauffeur me around. While he was waiting he says some pro life advocates came into the waiting room and berated him for getting a vasectomy, and he told them he was waiting for his gay lover and they left without a word.The doctor was great and the surgery went very fast. It feels like getting kicked in the crotch about 20 times and then being stuck that way for a long time, but it's been a day and I already feel a bit better.I neglected to follow the doctor's advice to eat a big lunch, which my wife hounded me to do... and then I fainted for a sec afterwards. So I learned that the nursing staff is also great and that I should have eaten before the surgery.Just before, and even during the surgery I felt pretty anxious. Was I making the right decision? Every time someone asked I confidently said yes and it made the nerves go away, but there is still so much finality. I teared up a bit the morning before thinking of my son's baby days and that those were behind us, but I realized that I just missed him being small not that I wanted to replace him with another. I feel like that would be selfish.Now the surgery is done. Immediately after I felt so much relief. No regrets, no guilt.I love my little family. One and done.And maybe in the future I am excited about how much of difference we could make to someone through adoption.Thanks for reading. This is such a positive community and I wanted to share my thoughts.Tldr; if the doctor tells you to eat before surgery, eat before surgery via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2GHpPTr
No comments:
Post a Comment