Struggling with one and done

Hi, I am having a tough time and hoping for some insight from the community here. My DH and I have a beautiful 1 year old son, but we finally admitted to each other that we are one and done. However, despite all of the reasons for this (which I will list, just for the sake of finally getting to share with someone), I'm feeling really sad about it. I don't know what I am looking for by posting here. Maybe reassurance, or maybe just putting it in writing will help me process it.I had a rough pregnancy (sickness, BP issues, bleeding, etc.) I ended up having to have an emergency c-section, which I had complications from and an extended healing time (3 months). I could get pregnant again but would likely have a roughy time again, maybe worse. Then, my husband developed severe anxiety. He would sleep on the floor by our newborn so that he could hear him breathe. Everything I or anyone else did filled my hubby with worry that we would accidently hurt our son. He had stats and stories for why everything was fraught with danger. When our son started solids my hubby would have full blown panic attacks that our son would choke and die. If DS gagged or spit up, DH would start yelling "He's choking. Help him, he's choking!" It was traumatizing for me. This anxiety seemed to transfer to me because then I couldn't feed our son without first watching YouTube videos about infant first aid "just in case."5 months ago I made DH seek counselling and they put him on medication. His anxiety is much better and our family is on a good place for the first time in a year. But I worry that a 2nd child would make everything flair up again. I don't know if I can go through that again. I don't know if our marriage could handle it. I don't want our son to see that now that he is older and more aware. I know in my gut that having one child is what is best for our family. I really do. I've made lists of all the reasons this will be good for him and us (more money, better education, better balance, etc). But I also feel a sense of failure. I feel like I should be stronger. I feel like I should suck it up and give him a sibling. We don't have fertility issues. I have a friend who almost died in childbirth and she still had a second I feel like I don't have an excuse. I feel like we've failed our son. What if he grows up lonely? What do I say when he inevitably asks for a brother. Sorry for the long post. I just feel alone in this right now. If you read this far, thanks for "listening." via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2TdW6Hs