Lonely Birth

Trapped in a cage of pain. Alone. Riding each wave, force of nature, Carefully trying not to lose my breath, Every wave gets me closer to my baby, But how many more? How many more can I ride before I crash? Medical round, 6 people, in safari hats, This is the lioness, casting its young. Cables, water, blood coming out of me. I am losing it, I cannot go any further. I am told I am there? That I am stronger than I think I am. Push. Push into your bum. Push like you are constipated. This is my baby. The birth of my baby. The birth I prepared and longed for all those months. It doesn’t feel like it. What is the right thing to do? Total loss of control. Lonely. The decision is taken from me - or was it a long time ago? Bright theatre lights. I am alone in a room filled with 15 people. Legs in stirrups, 5 pairs of eyes at the bottom end. The students have their arms crossed. And look straight inside me. Everyone has a role, but nobody looks me in the eye, tells me my baby is fine. That is Nobody’s role. No medical need for Nobody. I wish he was here. Twisting, turning, waiting, pushing. He is out. On me. Who are you? My messy, long limbed baby boy. I watch them cut the cord. Your lifeline. Your last remaining connection to me, to my body. I wanted to do this. This was my last chance. Taken from me. Protocol. You are taken away. Where are you? Where is Nobody? I need Nobody! My eyes on the clock. We spend the “Golden Hour” apart. Why? You are fine I am told. Why can’t I hold you? Then, as the golden hour comes to a close, I can hold you close. Finally. I have missed you. So much.Trauma to body, mind and soul.And yet: A healthy, beautiful and strong baby boy. In my arms. Looking into my eyes, And straight into my soul, As if to say: “I know you better than you know yourself.” Letting me nurture him. Letting me hold him close. Letting me love him, unconditionally. This is my highest and my lowest.I will heal. Time is a healer. But for now I am mourning for the birth I will never experience. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2ItMFLi