TLDR - New parents, I help my wife with all things around the house (dishes, laundry, etc.) and watch the baby so wife can relax at times. Wife thanked me for doing things, then yesterday got mad and said I don't help with baby enough. Currently, giving each other silent treatment and am upset with her lack of communication and attitude of talking to me about this subject.Hello Everyone,I'm not usually one to post my problems online and get feedback, but I'm a bit heated at the moment and wanted to get some advice and make sure I am not being dumb or unfair to my wife (new Mom). My goal is to help her as much as possible with our new baby, but we got in a mini-argument and I'm not sure if I am thinking about things clearly or not. I apologize if this post is a bit on the long side but I want to make sure I give all the pertinent details.Background on Fight:My wife and I recently had our first baby girl back in March 2018. With the baby being almost 3 months old, you can expect we have had our highs and lows with super early AM feedings + diaper changes and highs of first smiles, laughs, etc. My wife is currently on maternity leave until June, so she's been at home with the baby 24/7, while I had to go back to work in early April (3 week paternity leave).Before we had the baby, I was assembling all kinds of baby furniture (cribs, changing tables, etc.) for the nursery, and reading Dad blogs and googled articles to read all I could on how to be a great dad + husband to support my wife as our life completely changed. The key things I picked up on were the following:-Try to give your wife a stress free environment. Her emotions and stress-levels are running high so just apologize and try to move on.-No fights (even if she's the one in the wrong) just bite your tongue and apologize.-For the first few months, the baby is mainly going to want mom (due to breastfeeding), but dads can still help with diapers, taking care of things around the house, etc.These 3 bullets really stuck out to me and I tried to remind myself of them anytime my wife got mad at me for anything, or I was a bit bummed that I couldn't really help out with our daughter too much in the beginning. So, I focused on bullet 3 and with a lot of dad-friends I talked to agreed that while you can't help too much with the baby in the beginning (minus diapers), you can make sure you keep up to date on 'life' things (laundry, dishes, etc.). So, that's exactly what I did. My weekends lately have been full of doing my wife and I's laundry before it turns into a mountain of clothes, making sure the dishes are clean and put away (nightly), picking up groceries + running errands, ordering things from Amazon for both us and the baby, talking to insurance about hospital bills and coverage changes for the baby, paying said bills, etc. etc. As well as helping watch the baby when I'm home (not at work) so my wife can eat or take a shower, changing diapers at 4AM after my wife breastfeeds, etc. to make things easier for her mainly...as that is my MAIN goal.To boil it down, I've been very 'task-focused' and trying to knock out as many items on our (not just me, but my wife's also) TODO list and help out to keep our home-life running smoothly so my wife can focus on the baby and not worry about anything else. And I thought I was helping, but then we got in a mini-argument the other day......The Fight:Yesterday morning my wife was being somewhat cold to me and not letting me help her with our daughter like she normally does. She was also giving me some attitude, saying things sarcastically like "You do so much for our family" in a harsh way. I ignored it at first like I usually do (as the first bullet I posted above recommended), but it kept going. A few hours later I was watching our daughter (even though my wife said I didn't have to, and she'd be fine in her crib for a bit) while she grabbed a quick shower. When she got back she had said, "Did you do tummy time? I can't believe you just stood here for 10-15min look at her our daughter and that's it." I said you didn't tell me to do tummy time with her, and said we can do it now. As I was trying to turn our baby over, she responded, "Stop, you turn her over so violently." At this point I knew something was up and asked her what her problem was, and why she was upset? She basically said that she thinks I don't help her with our baby enough. I take care of everything else, but barely spend time with the baby and raising her. I was starting to get upset but didn't want to fight in front of the baby...and told my wife I'm trying to keep up with all the other aspects to help you. She fought back with your helping me with our house and TODOs but not with our baby. Which again I was a bit taken aback from it.At this point, I was pretty surprised (and a bit hurt) by my wife's comments, as I thought I was really helping her not worry about all the 'noise' and just focus on baby. I responded and said that I do look after the baby at nights and weekends, and try to help when you need to eat or take a shower.....but my wife just angrily growled "not really, you don't rally help with baby stuff with me. What are you going to do, mop the floos next?" So, I said let's switch and I'll take care of the baby the rest of the day and you can do house stuff. And I did just that, I took the baby and played with her, rocked the baby to sleep for nap time, did tummy time, and the only time I bugged my wife is when she needed to be breastfed. Throughout the whole day my wife and I gave each other the silent treatment, even after the baby went to bed at night.Analysis:I guess I should start with how I feel, and how I feel is maybe if my wife thinks I need to help more with the baby, I guess I should. I'm not really mad and heated at what she said, but more mad that she expected me to do figure all this out without saying anything to me about it (as if I could read her mind). Things like the tummy time specifically, she could have told me that feedback days/weeks ago when I helped our baby turn over. If I put myself in her shoes, I would have easily broached the topic and said something like, "Hey Babe, do you think you can help me with the baby a bit more? One thing I wanted to mention is how you turn our baby over for tummy time is kinda rough". So, basically I'm mad at her communication (or lack-thereof) and the way she's expressing herself thoughts to me. There are lots of other ways to have discussed this subject in a non-hostile way is my opinion. But instead I get a wife who is giving me attitude and saying some surprising things.Now, I know is a rough time for her don't get me wrong. I know she's waking up and feeding every 2-3 hours, taking care of the baby all day while I'm at work, it's exhausting and takes a lot of energy. So she's tired, not sleeping, and constantly having to watch the baby. So, in my mind I go back to should I just follow bullet-1 and apologize and move on....like I normally do? But, for some reason I just feel like I AM helping her, maybe not to the extent she expects (communication issue), and feel like standing my ground. Thus, here I am having a mini-argument and the silent treatment with my wife for over 24 hours now. What's also funny is just a few days prior to this argument, she actually thanked me for doing all the 'extra' stuff around the house and said I do a lot for our family. So, again super surprising to wake up and here basically a complete 180 of it and that I am not helping enough. So, I'm upset with my wife basically not communicating with me (not telling me about the baby stuff before), and about how she says it is what it boils down to.Feedback Needed:So, now that all the details are there, I ask all the other Moms and Dads out there what their thoughts on the situation are? I know there might not be a right/wrong answer, I'm not looking for people to say, "You are right, your wife is wrong!" I am mainly after just a different perspective and if I am truly missing something or not putting myself in my wife's shoes correctly. I think she's right, I can probably help her with the baby more specifically, but I feel like she isn't really seeing things and how much I'm helping.If you made it to this part of the post, congratulations! I know it's a long one, and I appreciate everyone's time and help. ANY feedback is welcome (constructive, happy, negative, etc.) to help me grow and put myself in my wife's shoes and understand things better.Thanks,Nacho-Lover Dad via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2rXOZUG
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