Feeling heavy hearted about serving custody papers

I'm about to serve custody papers to my baby daddy. And feel bad about it. We have been split up for a little over a year and it was supposed to be a 50/50 split (our son is 3.5 yo) but it's been more 60/40 with constant changes in nights spent with whom. I'm tired of the inconsistencies. I'm tired of arguing over where our son will go to school. (He is already unrolled in therapy 3x a week at a school in my district). I'm tired of picking up my son still wearing a night time dirty diaper, having not eaten anything by noon and awake by himself playing video games. I'm tired of my son having anxiety and not progressing with his speech therapy. I'm tired of potty training for 2 days only to have him return from dads not potty trained and not wanting to even try. My son loves his dad. Who wouldn't love the parent who lets you play mature video games, gives you an iPad, feeds you cookies as a meal, and never makes you do anything you don't want to do?!I was advised to ask for full custody. And I do believe it would benefit my son to have a more stable and constant home. And I do strongly believe I am a way better parent. But I'm also having a hard time with feeling guilty. I'm sad that my son will see his father hurting. I'm sad that my son won't see one of his best friends as often as he'd like. I'm scared of the shit storm tantrum that will happen when he gets the papers. Most of my friends/ family don't understand why I've "dragged my feet" this long and why I feel any guilt.I guess I'm looking for advice and encouragement from people who have been in my position? Is it normal to feel so heavy hearted even though you know it's the right thing to do? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2juIHG1