Like so many others, I'm finding it hard to see around my own hurt feelings right now, and am hoping to gain some more perspective.As the title says, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I have a five year old daughter from a previous relationship that he met about eight months in, and they now have a great relationship.About six months ago, we talked about the possibility of moving in together when my current lease is up this coming April. I brought up at that time (though he now says he doesn't remember it) that because of my situation with my daughter, it was important to me to be engaged before moving in with someone, as I'm not really in a position to just 'try things out.'Before I go on, I want to say that I realize that no relationship is fail-proof, and I realize being engaged doesn't mean there's no possibility of things falling apart. To me, it's just an action that says, "Yep. I'm in this."Now that we're approaching go-time, I brought it up again in kind of a "Hey, this is still a thing that matters to me, and it's time to start deciding if we're on the same page," kind of way. It did not go wonderfully.He was really cagey and kind of tried to avoid the conversation for a couple days, which obviously lead me to assume the worst. It finally came out that he doesn't feel ready financially for wedding planning, etc. He was laid off for nearly a year when we first got together, and obviously depleted his savings in that time. This is understandable to me. I asked him then what the future looks like for him, and us, and he got sort upset that I was 'pressuring' him and shut down. This was last week.He had friends in town for several days, so I brought it up again last night in kind of a, "Listen, if you don't see this happening, I just need you to be honest about that." We go back and forth a little bit, and it finally comes out that he really pictured us moving in together as the next step, and engagement after that. He says he feels like it's going to be a big adjustment, living with me and my daughter. I counter that he spends 90% of his time with us at this point, and yes, it will certainly be different, but I didn't think it would be that different.Then I said something along the lines of, "Listen, I get that engagements and marriages end all the time. This is still just important to me." And he just immediately jumped on that - yes! They do fail all the time and having a ring right now won't change things and it's all just meaningless words. At which point I burst into tears like a child and left the room. He came out and immediately said that's not how he meant it and he loves me and wants to be with me, he's just seen a lot of people do it wrong, and he wants to do it right. I shut down at that point and slept on the couch.He reiterated this morning that he misspoke, he's sorry he sounded so dismissive, and he didn't mean that marriage was stupid - that he knows it's important to me. I said it hurt that it isn't important to him. He said it is. And here we are.I just don't know what to do. I don't know if there's compromise to be had. If we move in together, what happens in six months or a year if hey, it turns out marriage isn't important to him. But now we're living together, so why mess up a good thing? Why can't I just let go of this? Etc etc.The reality is, if it weren't for my daughter, I wouldn't hesitate to move in with him before being engaged. I explained as much to him. I realize it isn't necessarily fair, but it's my situation. Her father is such a bag of dicks. The biggest bag of dicks of all time. I live with this constant anxiety that I'm ruining her life. I don't want to put her through any more change than I absolutely have to. This feeling just sort of consumes me.That said, I get it. I do. Moving in with me and my daughter is a big change for him, and it's perfectly reasonable for him to want to 'test it out,' regardless of how that stings to hear. But is what I want unreasonable? Is there compromise to be had here? Or a way for us to both feel like our desires are both being met in some way?tl;dr: I want to be engaged before moving in together, BF wants to move in before being engaged. What do? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2kjQNSy
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