I need advice on how and when to address my daughter's parentage (CW: sex based crimes, domestic abuse)

This turned into a damn novel. I'm sorry. It's cathartic to write about, apparently.Exposition: My daughter will be five in March. I'm so excited! She's growing up into such a wonderful little human, and every day I'm proud to be her mother.I co-parent with my fiance, who I've been with for a few years now. He is the only male figure in her life other than our extended family, and he treats her like his own - he's currently in the bathroom getting her ready for school, just like he does every morning. His family treats her as if he's her father, his biological daughter calls my daughter her sister, his mother doesn't treat one child differently from the other. If you didn't know prior to meeting us, you'd assume that my partner and I procreated and produced my daughter. She even has blue eyes and freckles just like my partner - recessive genes like woah, I'm Mexican-American - so strangers just assume that they're blood. She calls him Daddy and the adoption paperwork is filled and can be filed once we have a marriage certificate.Obviously, I *did not" procreate with my current partner. My daughter was conceived with an ex-boyfriend of mine that I was with for several years between the ages of 18 to 22. He was much older. There was a history of domestic violence before we conceived (unplanned). I would try to leave, he would threaten to kill himself. He'd hit me and my friends would give me ultimatums to leave him. He'd cheat on me with impunity. When I got pregnant it just got worse.He graduated to actually beating me. He tried to date rape a mutual friend who was on pain meds but was stopped by her roommate. I visited my mom overnight for Christmas and I came home to my dresser thrown across the room. It was bad.I managed to leave him before the birth, but we got back together right before labor, then I left him again after I have birth because he tried to change my natural birth to a C-section then called me a c*nt for wanting his help two days after I pushed out a baby. This went on for about seven months. I'd try to break away but would end up trapped back in his grip.One night, coincidentally the night before we moved into a different house, he got arrested for indecent exposure. He had been going to one of those closed gas stations where they lock it up at night and you go to a window to do your transaction and masturbating while those poor girls were basically stuck in a glass box. It wasn't the first time because the police were actually looking for him. I woke up in the middle of the night to his mom sobbing. I asked her what happened. She told me what he got arrested for. I felt nothing. I rolled my eyes and went back to bed.The next day I was so sick. Those stomach bugs that make you feel like you're dying. He gets out of jail, helps us move. I'm still sick. We're in the new house, I ask him to watch my baby for a few moments so I could run down to the basement to get my purse so he could get me medication. He agreed.My daughter fell down the stairs right behind me. She wasn't even a year old yet. Thankfully she was okay but that was the straw. I dealt with the abuse. The cheating. The arrests. No help with the baby. Judgement for my parenting. Disrespect. I did not deal with his neglect of my child.I told him I was done, I was leaving. He had JUST been arrested the night prior for indecent exposure and couldn't handle not fucking up for five minutes with a child that he helped bring into this world! He started screaming about how he didn't want to live, and went into the back part of the basement to hang himself, locking the door behind him. I kicked the door down and jumped up on a workout bench to cut him down. When he was down, he slammed his face against the concrete and then ran off, screaming.I took my daughter and fell asleep. The fallout was extreme. He didn't kill himself, as he never planned on it. I had four years experience with his craziness, it was probably the fifteenth time something like that had happened. I start looking for a place, find one a few days after he gets out of the psych ward, and plan on leaving when him and his mom were out of town. They found out and sent family members to keep me there against my will even though they gave me two weeks to find a place and the clock wasn't on my side.Thankfully, I had three large male friends come help me escape. I escaped! I did it!Then a few days later my Ex started to demand over night visits with my less than year old breastfeeding child who he had never dealt with at night, just a few weeks after getting arrested for indecent exposure.Note: over the months that I lived with these two people, my ex and his mother, I managed to leave the house twice, once because I begged and pleaded to leave my sleeping child for a few hours and the next because I hired a babysitter. My ex had his excuses, and his mom would tell me that her vertigo and other health issues were too extreme for her to care for a child. Then suddenly, they find the capacity to do so as soon as I leave?When I expressed my discomfort, his mother loudly announced that they had more legal right to my child than I did. I then decided that I wasn't comfortable without a custody agreement in place and asked them to contact me via their attorney. I had already gotten threatening letters from their attorneys before, so I knew they had one in the wings. I contacted my local police department and DCYF office who assigned me a social worker and had my back against my ex and his mother. DCYF would have helped me in court and everything due to my ex's recent criminal history.They never contacted me like they were supposed to. I found out that he had started to expose himself on our SEVERAL college campuses long before he was arrested, having been arrested for it two or three times by campus police before I found out. Found out that he had been dating a seventeen year old kid for two years during our relationship. Got caught again for exposure. Went to court against him for child support, he tried to follow me into the courthouse bathroom, yelled at me across the courthouse, and tried to follow me out to my car (all of this was witnessed and documented by the sheriff at the court) Demanded the judge go after me for visitation. Showed up dressed like the joker. I didn't want child support, I just wanted to be safe. He was unhinged and jumped at the chance to be free of child support. The judge saw this.There hasn't been much in the years since. His mom sent me threatening messages about grandparents rights, then sent me much nicer messages about please letting her visit my daughter when she figured out that she didn't have a leg to stand on to sue me for grandparents rights. I blocked her. She had her other son's new girlfriend message me a few years ago to ask to see my daughter. I said no and blocked her, too.Recently, though. My ex. Ho boy. He got arrested to soliciting a minor child for sex and sending her explicit photos of himself. Felonies. In my state, a minor is between the ages of fourteen and sixteen. A minor child is under the age of fourteen. I'm not certain how old she was, but it was either twelve or thirteen. She was also a group of police officers from what I hear. Talk about glo up, amirite?So, TL;DR: My ex is an abusive, predacious pedophile who has not interacted with my daughter since she was less than a year old, does not pay child support, and is maybe currently in jail?End of expositionNow, as my daughter grows older, the fact that I will have to sit her down someday to explain at least some of this to her is weighing heavily on my mind. I don't need any advice that says, "Your daughter deserves to know her dad!"1) No child deserves that and 2) she has a wonderful dad that she has a wonderful relationship with.I don't think that she'll feel like there's something "missing" in her life, or anything like that. I respect my daughter immensely and don't lie to her. I don't want her finding out via high school blood typing or a DNA test or if she ends up with gout when neither of her parent's family's have a history of it. I want her to be aware.I also want her to be aware of the fact that these were not normal circumstances. I would never keep a person's child from them unless absolutely necessary for the child's welfare. DCYF told me that if I had released my daughter into his care and anything happened, I too would be legally culpable because he was a known predator. Even before he was arrested, even before I left him for good, I had the terrible thought that he might try to hurt my daughter when she was her most vulnerable. I'm terrified that someday, she'll ask me who this man is on FaceBook messaging her.When do I even start bringing this up? How do I? Do I just let sleeping dogs lie until she's old enough for a sit down conversation about sexual predators?Do I use, "hey, don't get into any white vans" as a segue into, "by the by, your biological father might be the one driving that van"? /sHow do I minimize her potential emotional turmoil associated with the fact that the man who has been Daddy for as long as she can remember isn't her biological father?Thanks in advance and sorry about the length! via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2Enay6g

At a loss, need advice.

My nephew is 8 years old & as far as 8 year olds go. He's pretty normal. Innocent nature and so on,. Mostly hangs around with girls in school and out. Last year we had an incident occur where he came home from playing with his friends and his penis was bleeding, to which after some discussion his mum was told that it was the girls that had been touching him. Mother went the right paths to get to bottom of it, speak to parents. Hear full stories etc & agreed to all stay away from one another in the future.Recently he's had a sudden outburst of honesty and is confessing things he's been holding in for the last year or so. With all this confessing etc coming to surface, we've now been informed that another incident has occured with the same girl, being that they were playing at the girls house where they made a den/fort in the living room whilst the girl's parents were in the kitchen. Now the way he has described the incident they were in the den & they have both ended up with their trousers down, they kissed & my nephew beleive's that he had sex with her. (But from what he's described to his mother he hasn't) He's been very emotional & extreamly upset over all of this, which is to be expected to of kept this a secret for so long. Mother has been into school to speak to the head teacher as an attempt to find some kind of neutral ground to discuss this out with the parents, possibly some kind of legal standing person & get to the bottom of it all. But basically been told school are unable to assist with the situation and she has to go about it all herself with the girl's parents etc.The mother has 3 other kids, been a mum for 13 years and never came across this kind of situation before. We really don't know what to do, where to turn to, what to say to him about it all. Everything basically. Obviously isn't a day-to-day situation. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2DKATdr

My daughter has dyslexia, but her current school does not have any special education services.

My daughter is in second grade, and she was just tested this year for dyslexia. She and her siblings go to the private Catholic school that's part of our church. When we enrolled our kids at this school, we found it really important that our kids receive a religious education, and we thought that it was beneficial. Our daughter will receive her first communion this year which she is very excited about. She has made many great friends. And she loves her school. But I can't help but feel that we have failed her; she struggles a lot with her reading and writing, and it wasn't until we got her tested at the local public school that we discovered that she has dyslexia; I wish we could have figured this out earlier, but her school doesn't have any funding for special education. Which leads us to wonder if she should continue attending this school. We want to put her into the local public school, where she can receive additional services for her dyslexia, where there are teachers who are trained in learning disabilities. Of course, my daughter isn't too thrilled about the idea of starting at a new school next year. My wife and I would love to keep our children in Catholic school; I never went to Catholic school, but my wife did, and our religion is very important to us, but I feel like we already made a mistake in sending our kids to the Catholic school since our daughter's dyslexia was found relatively late, and I want her to have the best education possible, and I want her to love going to school, which she does currently. I don't know what other options we have; I'd appreciate any advice. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2GqsIEL

Depressing Thoughts About the World I am Raising my kids into

I don't know if this is the proximity of the Holocaust Remembrance Day two days ago, or just a general winter-y feeling that will go away. So I apologise for this rant but I need this as an outlet.We are a "mixed" couple (mixed nations, mixed "skin colours", mixed religions). Pretty normal in the city we live in. But in the country we live in, there is an increasing number of people who would start sentences with "I am not a racist, but... [enter something racist that they think]".It is not better in other countries in the world. Racism and anti-Semitism are out there and you can see this type of hate speech here on Reddit, or Twitter or other places, quite frequently. You see people killing each other in brutal civil wars and conflicts.What kind of world am I raising my children in?Again, apologies for the dark tone. It is more of an outlet for my fears. In real life we never experienced a racist attack or comment in the city I live in, but I am not so sure about other places where we are visibly different. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2EmiUuA

I want to be a stay-at-home dad.

TL;DR My wife and I are okay with me being a stay-at-home parent and we’re fairly confident we can afford it. I’m struggling emotionally with my worth regarding how much I’m contributing.Hi y’all! I’m decently new to reddit and like to lurk quite a bit. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for with posting this- I think I just need to get it off of my chest. I’m 32 and my wife is 29. We have two boys, 3 and 1, and they’re pretty rad. I went to cosmetology school in 2013 and graduated a month after our first son was born in 2014.My wife by that point had a salaried job with insurance and so it made more sense for me to find part time work while I built clientele and let her be the primary earner for the family. In the last few years she’s continued to make great progress at work and is moving up in her company. I, however, have felt more stagnant in my work. I spent a couple of years as a part-time stylist in a salon but it was ultimately not where I wanted to be. A year ago, I took a leap of faith and went to a barber shop in a straight commission position, just after my wife had our second son. With both of us working we obviously had to put the boys in daycare, which cost more than our mortgage. When we did the numbers after a year of working there, we realized that I contributed less than $200 a week after taxes, tithe, and childcare came out of my income. That was super depressing. I was considering whether or not I wanted to stay working where I was when I was pleasantly surprised to come in to the shop and learn that I was being let go. All of my stuff was in a box and that was it.This past week I’ve been trying to refocus and decide the next step for our family. I pulled he kids from daycare and immediately started saving a chunk of money each week. I genuinely enjoy watching the boys, cooking, doing laundry, taking the boys to visit mom periodically, and just generally feeling like things are under control at home. When we both work and when the kids are in daycare, I always feel like we’re rushing constantly but never making any progress when it comes to keeping up with household work. I’d love to stay home and just be a househusband, raise my kids, meal prep, etc....Here’s the issue: I live in Texas (hi y’all!) and it’s not exactly culturally popular here. At the end of the day I know it only matters what my wife and I decide, but it’s hard to lean into this decision knowing that we have family who will think less of me or that I’m going to get judgmental looks from people here. It’s hard to undo years of “the man is the provider” upbringing and I feel like I’m copping out by staying home.I don’t know if that’s clear enough. It’s a lot I know, and I’m sorry. I’m happy to clarify anything to anyone who bothered to read this far. Good night. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2no1R3d

Any tips on making diaper changes more comfortable?

My wonderful 4 week old son is generally not a fussy baby, but he absolutely hates getting his diaper changed. We got a wipe warmer, but that didn’t do much. We make sure to feed him before changing his diaper so he is not hungry. He calms down as soon as we pick him up from the changing table.I hate seeing him so upset. Anyone have any tips to make him more comfortable? First time mommy so need all the help I can get! Thank you! via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2DLjTHY

My five year old stole my landlord’s precious ornament and then lied about it. Please help me figure out how to handle it.

We rent a room in a house and have free access to the common areas. The house is shared with the landlord, her two dogs, a roommate in the basement, and a new roommate who moved in today.When we first moved in, the landlord accused my daughter of going into her room and taking something. DD says she did not. Landlord later finds it in her room but insists that it is a different place and DD moved it. A few months later, she accuses DD of entering her room again and moving some crystals around. DD again says she did not. Before Christmas, landlord accuses DD a third time of stealing a barrette from her room. For a third time, DD denies entering the room ever. During Christmas time, I find two ornaments from the landlord’s tree right next to it on the ground with the landlord next to me. DD admits to taking them off the tree.Today, landlord comes in extremely upset, trying not to cry, and says DD took a very precious ornament from the tree that was made by her daughter who is now grown. DD tells landlord she did not take it, waits until landlord is gone, and tells me she did take it. Immediately, we tear our room apart trying to find it. It was a small eggshell holding a tiny babydoll with a teeny bottle and a blanket. I find the eggshell and the babydoll. The actual shell part is completely broken and all that remains is the inner film. I cannot find the bottle or blanket.Each time DD was accused of stealing, and when she took the first ornaments from the tree, she had things and privileges revoked. I don’t believe in whipping children, but my family is pushing me to whip her now and I am at a loss.I don’t know what to do.I asked her why she took it and she told me because she does not have a babydoll of her own. I’m a single mom without a degree in a high income area. I barely make ends meet. Otherwise, we would have our own apartment. She stole because I can’t give her the things that she wants.What do I do here? How do I make her understand that this is never okay? I’ve asked how she would like it if someone took her things. I’ve yelled at her in the past for this, which I’m not proud of. I’ve taken away electronics for a week. I’ve denied her going to play with friends. I put her in time outs. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to make it up to the landlord. I don’t know if I should ever believe my child again. She still denies ever going into the landlord’s room. I am terrified of getting evicted as we have nowhere else to go and no family anywhere close. I feel like a terrible, useless mother.Please help me. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2BAn3YU