So, I know that we are all missing those heaven sent angels called teachers right now. We could all use a break from being stuck at home constantly and always on the lookout for some free entertainment. Sure, it is great to spend time together as a family, but there is a thing as too much time! We are all going crazy, wondering if it will ever end, and thinking we are alone in our suffering... I think it is a great idea for us to share our best/worst/funniest "Adventures in Parenting" since the pandemic has been going on. We need to share our pain and use it as a way to begin healing from the torture your crotch goblins inflict upon your physical, mental, and emotional health, your marriage/relationships, your bank account, and your home! So... here is where my story begins: (it is a lengthy tale, but worth the read!) A small bit of background to begin... my husband had just dropped off the groceries and left the house. This left myself and my two boys, ages 5 (A) and 3 (W), at home. It was early evening, nearly dinner time, and so the plan was to get groceries put away, get dinner made, and kids fed. The plan did NOT go as planned. I am buzzing around the kitchen, telling the kids several times that they do not need a snack and I will make dinner as soon as I get this stuff put up, they are watching cartoons in the living room. And here is where the adventure truly starts:W:*excitedly appears in the doorway between the living room and kitchen* "Mommy! I went SUPER POOP in my undies! And look! There is even some on the floor! *sticks his hand down the back of his pants, pulls out a few fingersfuls of nice sticky poop, while simultaneously having a few harder turds falling out his pant legs to join the couple I see on the floor next to him*Me: *Not even halfway through putting groceries away, in total shock and despair at witnessing this disaster in the making* "NO! W! Don't put your hands in it! Stop shaking it out of your pants! OH MY GOD! Do not touch anything! Go to the bathroom without stepping in it!We arrive in the bathroom and get his shoes off, I get him laid down, head on hallway carpet with rest of the body in the bathroom. I begin undressing him, telling him to just be still and keep his legs and feet on the floor.W: "Here you go!" *Lifts both legs and butt straight up in to the air, off the floor, right as I begin sliding undies down over his butt.*Me: "For pete's sake child! Please be still! Let me try to do this with as little additional mess as possible!"So, I am attempting to get him disrobed and cleaned up enough to stick him in the tub for a head to toe scrub down... when child #2 decides to join the fun!A: "Mommy, can you get me snack?"Me: *Deadpan, looks up at him with a look on my face that I honestly wish I had a picture of* "Seriously? You cannot possibly be serious right now? I am cleaning up poop that is currently on the floor through 2 separate rooms, on 3 of your brothers 4 limbs, his entire pelvic area, stomach, hand, one foot, and chin (Yes! Chin!) No! I cannot get you a snack right now! Let me get this mess cleaned up!"So, I manage to get an ungodly amount of poop cleaned up, get W redressed in clean undies and clothes. This was, however, a very big mistake! At this point, I just assumed this was a regular poop... I mean, a particularly messy, large one.. but just regular poop! Haha! The future proved me very wrong! I have told them both at this point that I would get them fed as soon as our house was poop-free, and I was legitmately attempting to do that! I text my husband a similar version of this story and beg him to hurry home. He calls to sympathize and say he will be back as soon as he can, and while I am on the phone, W comes and says he has to pee and goes to pee on the potty. Everything is good, so I get back to putting groceries away, which is where Chapter 2: Explosive Diarrhea begins:W: "Mommy, I think I peed in my britches."Me:*Thinking that is weird since he just went pee like 5 minutes ago, and his pants don't look wet, but ultimately thinking it is probably just a small wet spot on his undies* "Okay, buddy. Let's go get your clothes changed."We get to the bathroom, I squat down next to him and just as I am about to begin pulling pants down, the smell hits me... dear god! I cautiously take a peek down the back of his pants, nearly vomiting from the smell! It was hardcore, upset stomach smelling, explosive, liquid diarrhea running down his legs, already to his shins! At this point, I don't know if he is done, and it is already everywhere... so I just rip the pants and undies off as quickly as possible, and toss them into the sink. I quickly get him set on the potty seat on the toilet, and attempt to clean him up as much as possible while I make sure he is done.He is covered from pelvis to shins, and it is currently being spread all over the potty seat, toilet, and dripping down onto the stool and floor in front of the toilet. I am still gagging, seriously trying not to vomit from the raunchy smell that is flowing through my house. When I am fairly certain he is done, I get him down and cleaned up... and into a pull-up, because I will NOT be rinsing any more poop from undies today! He has no butt, so even the smallest size undies they make are baggy in the booty... which unfortunately means that liquid poo instantly runs down the legs and makes a big mess! It was so runny he thought it was pee! My bathroom smells like a porta-potty in July a week into the county fair in the south! (Which, just in case you are wondering, in 100 degree, 100% humidity, is less than pleasant, to say the very least!)W: *Looks at me* "Momma, my belly has bad guys in it and they are making it rumble! Can you make it stop?"Me: "Baby, I can't make it stop, I would if I could, but you are certainly correct! They are definitely bad guys in there!"At this point, I have used approximately 3/4 of a package of baby wipes, bathed W once from head to toe in the tub, because he managed to have poop literally from chin to foot, and nearly everywhere in between! I have also used about half a bottle of cleaning spray and half a roll of paper towels to clean the bathroom after I got him cleaned up and his clothes rinsed out. Which I have had to do twice! I text my husband again.. this time with Chapter 2: Explosive Diarrhea details and beg him to come home! I also tell him that if he can't find me when he gets there, I might be just sitting in the closet floor, rocking back-and-forth, refusing to speak to anyone!Just in case anyone is wondering, I did eventually get the kids fed once my house smelled less like a bar bathroom at 3am on a Saturday night, and even got the groceries put away before anything melted or spoiled! We did end up having 2 more rounds of diarrhea, however, the pull-ups helped dramatically with keeping the mess contained! I swear, this kid pooped so much he should be completely hollow! The boys had spent the night with my mother and just gotten home around lunch time, and I almost called her to see if she and her husband were feeling ill, but since my older son didn't have any problems, I didn't end up calling her....However, she called me this morning... and mentioned in passing that she almost called me last night to see if either of the boys had an upset belly, because she had severe diarrhea last night! I said, as a matter of fact, W did! And I read her the long texts describing the events that I had sent to my husband, which had her laughing until she cried! She was laughing, telling me I had to send them to her because she had to share them with her husband, my Aunt and Grandma! She told me afterward that they all thought it was hilarious and told me I should share it on Facebook, which I did, but I thought it would be fun to add to it and share it here, also.... please, feel free to laugh at my pain! My own mother did!Everyone tell me your reactions to my Poop-tastic Tale, but also, please, share your own "Adventures in Parenting" since the pandemic has begun! I want to read some fun stories from my fellow parents out there! Let's remind each other that: Yes! We are going crazy! Yes! We are suffering! But, we are NOT alone! We are all out here, in our separate homes, in the same pajama pants for the 3rd day in a row, missing other human interaction, suffering together! Share the crazy things your kids have said and done, and the crazy things that have happened in your homes so we can know, without a doubt, that we are not alone in our crazy! I will respond to comments and your stories as I can, but I want to say in advance, "Thank you for sharing your stories and for your comments on my story!" via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2VxK1x4
No comments:
Post a Comment