Handling Merging Families

I (39M) am involved in a great relationship with my partner (38F) and we both recently went through a very difficult experience that is very hard to handle. But first, some background.She and I met when she was still married. Her then husband had suggested that they open up their marriage, and she agreed after they laid out some ground rules. I got to know them and their family, and they got to know mine. As time went on, I learned that she was being abused, severely, and had been for nearly 15 years. He has assaulted me, and nearly killed her, and I expect him to see the inside of a jail cell for the next 3 years. I care for all of them, make sure they have the things they need because he can't, or won't, take care of them. I don't mind it, I love them and want to see them heal and become whole.Recently, her oldest (14M) was being typically belligerent for his age, and she decided to take his phone away for his disrespect. (I was so proud!) But he ended up closing and locking the door and wouldn't let her leave the room. I heard her demand that he needed to step aside and let her leave, to which he defiantly said "No, give me my stuff back."I unlocked the door and forced my way in, because I was concerned about her mental state of being restrained and him escalating. Once there, I said you both need to calm down, and he said "No!" and started pushing her and I. I told him this needs to stop, and he started to get more physical and went after his mother as she tried to leave the room.I restrained him and took him down to the floor, and held him there until he stopped attempting to physically assault us. We ended up confiscating his consoles and his phone, and he threw a huge temper tantrum and smacked the walls and doors for the better part of an hour, determined to make himself a nuisance to everyone, including our youngest children who were trying to sleep.Eventually it passed, and he cried in anguish for about another hour. This is our biggest challenge, because I won't let him disrespect her or I, nor make the lives of our other kids miserable because of it, but I know this is really, really hard on him. We confiscated his television after we confiscated his phone and consoles for smacking the walls for an hour straight, and we decided he could have them back if he was respectful for a period of 30 days straight.I feel for him, because his sperm donor did terrible things to all of them, and I know it's just a matter of time before he heals. . . But it's just so hard. It's heartbreaking to see him suffer for what someone else has done. We have him in therapy, and we make sure he is loved. . . And I know there's not much else we can do.I feel so awful. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2GmYPGB