5 yo daughter threatens to kick people, throws things, and has said "I'm going to choke you" when angry. I can't understand why. Help?

Her dad and I are divorced, but strong co-parents and good friends. There's not any tension in our family as far as I know. Our little girl is raised by a village between us and loving grandparents. The biggest challenge we have as parents is that grandparents spoil her (serve her like she's a hotel guest; buy her toys every time she visits; etc.) but we are always getting on their ass about it and trying to keep it in check.Her dad and I are pretty emotionally-focused as parents. We work hard to give our daughter words for her feelings, make sure she doesn't feel abandoned when she's upset, tell her its okay to cry, try to work out solutions to problems, set hard limits (no getting up out of bed once you're in it; no hitting/kicking; no-means-no; basic social rules; etc.)Right now, I'm waiting for her dad to come pick her up for his weekend with her, and she's so upset and saying she's going to kick daddy when he gets here.We've talked with her at length about her feelings about the fact that mom and dad aren't married (we divorced when she was about 2) and we try to keep an open discussion.I was emotionally abused as a child, but am in therapy and have been for years. I am always looking for help with how to raise an emotionally stable child, so sometimes I don't know when something is okay and when it isn't...I don't know if I'm doing well or not, or if her saying she wants to kick daddy is normal or not...or how to address it aside from a firm talking-to or a timeout or talking about how to appropriately express anger?Now (while she's watching me type this) she's telling me she's gonna poke me with a needle......and now she just blew a raspberry and spit on my computer.She's headed for a timeout. Also, so I can cool off.Help? :/ Thoughts? Insights? I've heard "all behavior is communication" and I'm just not sure what she's trying to communicate. She won't talk to me—sometimes I ask her to use her words so I can help her, and she justs stays there silently. This is usually when she's really tired but still—I just want her to know I'm listening.Are we doing okay? How much of this is normal 5-year-old behavior that we have to just help her with, and how much of it is our fault? What can we change?I just want her to feel loved and listened to...not like I was. When I was little, if I got angry I was left alone and no one talked to me. Just remembering how abandoned I felt in my anger, how little I felt like I mattered in my family, or like my voice and desires and feelings mattered...it makes me want to cry just remembering it and thinking she might feel that way. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2hl2V7P