Advice desperately needed! I can't seem to remove my own feelings from this and need an outside perspective.Backstory (I'll try to keep it short and to the point but there are a number of details that I think are important.)7 years ago I left my verbally and sexually abusive ex and moved states with my then 8 month old son. Over the weekend I logged into FB for the first time in months and see I have a number of messages from my ex's current GF as well as a couple of his friends. It turns out that he died last weekend. I don't know the details and haven't spoken to him since last year when I asked him to sign his rights over so my husband could adopt my son.Now ex has done nothing to have a relationship with my son. He didn't come to a single court date for the custody hearings, he never sent a single thing my son needed, didn't call or visit. I kept the lines of communication open, he knew our address, phone number, Skype info and I'd send him pictures and updates every 6 months even though he never asked for them. The last conversation I had with him, he was double checking that he wouldn't have to pay the whopping $90 a month in child support once the adoption was finalized.We're still working on the paperwork for the adoption since they want my Top Secret cleared hubs to get another background check and our state is backlogged like crazy for non-state requested checks. Now that Bio is dead, I have to contact our lawyer to see if this changes anything.Anyway, I don't know if I want to tell my son that his BIO father died just yet. I don't care that he's dead, which I know sounds fucked up but your feelings about a person change when they hold you down and sexually assault you while your 4 week old newborn sleeps in the same bed. His death is, imo, nothing to go on about and doesn't affect our lives in anyway. Last week he wasn't any more in our lives than he is this week so it feels wrong to disrupt my sons life with this news and possibly confuse him with my lack of emotions over this. I can't fake being sad about it and I don't know how I'd approach the conversation other than saying something like " I've got some news about your bio, he passed away last week. Anything your feeling about this is okay. If you need to talk about anything, you can come talk to me anytime. Dad and I love you very much." I feel like it's a bit cold but I don't know.I'm having a hard time separating my feelings that this persons death has nothing to do with us and that this person biologically contributed to the creation of my amazing son who might get really upset when we tell him. He was so upset when my grandma died, a person he'd met 1x but he took comfort in the fact that she was old and had a full, wonderful life. I can't lie to him and say that his 30 something year old, abusive, junkie father had the same. I wouldn't tell him all that but I won't lie and sanctify him like people tend to do when someone dies. I'd rather just forget he existed but I know I can't make that choice for my son. I also worry that if I wait until he's older, that he'll resent me for it and I don't want this to be a defining moment in our relationship. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2Kt7Ukx
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