I want to leave and never look back

One day I will be able to wash my hands clean of him. And be free. One day I wont have to deal with the daily abuse he inflicts because he is a miserable human. One day i hope to be at peaceWe met originally when I was 15. He paid so much attention to me. He told me how mature i was, how I wasnt like other girls. He told me he wanted to take my virginity so it would be even more special for the both of us. My parents never monitored my online activity and that's how I fell into the hands of a predator. What 32 year old man would be actually interested in a 15 year old other than to groom them and be manipulative and downright creep.We met for the first time 3 weeks after my 18th birthday. We had sex. He got what he wanted. He kept pushing me more and more to do things I didn't want to but I was a timid and meek person, still am. I didn't know how to say "no" . we kept meeting up once a month for a year. Then my dad passed away and it completely fucked my entire world up. He swooped in, swept me off my feet. He promised to take care of me in my grief. My mom moved in with her sister and there was no room for me so to him I went. So many red flags i missed.The abuse didn't start until a few months later. At first it was little things. I did sometbing to upset him and he couldn't control his anger but he promised to never do it again. Then he broke my laptop. Then he demanded I cut contact with my mom. At the time i was angry and hurt and did everything he said. I truely believed he loved me and this was normal. I had necer been in a relationship before this so I really thought this waa okay. That this was his way of showing me "love"He's never allow3d me to have a job. No money of my own. He has to review everything I need for myself. He has to deem them acceptable. He decided what tampons I bought, what clothes I bought, what groceries we needed. Everything has to go through him first. He still talks down to me like a child and belittles and insults me because he has two degrees and i only managed to graduate high school.Then we had our child. He was so angry fir my water breaking in the car and messing up his seat. He wasn't there for her birth. He was furious that i had a c-section and we couldn't havr the disgusting sex he likes so much sooner than he wanted. Instead of letting me heal after giving birth, our daughter was 4 weeos old when he raped me analy and I still have issues almost 2 yyears later. He refused to let me breastfeed because hebdidnt want my 'tits to get fucked up'. He would get angry and scream at me when she needed diapers or formula anf accuse me of taking advantage ofhim and trapping him. Nevermind the faxt a 32 year old was chasing after a 15 year old when we first 'met' 6 years agoThr worst incident is when his own father did something to piss him off so he took it out on me. He pinned me against the wall and choked me so hard I stsrted to lose my sight. In thought i was going to die that night and accepted as much. A small part of me wished he had just killed me. part of me is terrified to peave because i have a feelijv he will kill me for leaving with our daughter. But ive had enough. I cannot do this anymoreBut what he. Doesnt know is i have an old cell phone that stillnworks over Wi-Fi. That im back in contact with my mom who is tryung to help us leave. That shr sends me money every month so I can get us away from him. Its never much, 10or 20 dollars a month but I will one day have enough to leave him. I want to change our names do he can never find us. I don't want my daughter to know this is her fatherIn so glad I never married him. He claims hr will never marry me because I'm too much of a mooch and drag on his lifestyle. He has told me he wants to fuck ogher girls and I should consider myself lucky he hasn't yet. He says he hates me and the feeling is so very mutual. I despise him. I resent him. I hate the fact this is the man my child shares half of her dna with. I know I am a horrible person fof this but sometimes I wish he would drop dead. I hope I am able to get us out before shr can remember him bruising mommy's throat and yelling and throwing and breaking things.One day I will leave him. One day he won't have control over me anymore. One Day via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2v2hG4v