Pre-Eclampsia and Death

Two weeks ago, at 24-week pregnancy, I had to be rushed to the hospital because of a severe abdominal pain. I had pre-eclampsia. Doctors told me about emergency C-Section if everything goes downhill. They tried to keep my baby inside me for as long as possible. One of the NICU doctors said, the chance of the baby living is higher at 25 weeks compare to 24. I was at the OB-ICU for 4 days until body started to crash. Doctors didn't have any choice but an emergency C-Section. My son was born at 25 weeks and 2 days. I saw him for a brief moment before they rushed him to the NICU. I saw him again the next day. It was heart-breaking. All the tubes and just how small he was. I felt helpless. I cried because I wanted to give the rest of strength to him but I couldn't. Everything was going well for him while my body kept crashing. Second day at the NICU, the doctor asked me if my son could have a blood transfusion. I said yes. Just do everything to save him. I even agreed to donor milk since my body couldn't produce any. I would do anything to save my son. The same day, I got moved to a regular room from the ICU. My husband decided to go home and get some proper rest. After supper, I went to the gift shop and got my son a blanket. I couldn't drape it on the incubator because the light on the incubator was on. I stayed with him for an hour. When I got back to my room, I received a call. It was one of the NICU doctors. Something happened to my son and they want me down there ASAP. I didn't feel my incision. I ran. My heart sank when I saw a bunch of people in his room. Nurses were moving fast. I knew he was in distress. I broke down. I saw my tiny son being resuscitated. I prayed. I couldn't help him. My husband was 2 and a half hours away from the hospital. I called him. When one of the doctors told me that they couldn't save him anymore, I didn't know what to think. They told me to touch him before they try to resuscitate him again. I told him to fight some more because I'm fighting for him. He held my finger. They tried again but his heartbeat just kept going down. They asked me if I wanted him baptized. I said, yes. I held my son in my arms. He took his last breath in my arms. I sang lullabies to him. I hugged and kissed him. I tried to keep him warm. I told him to rest. No more suffering.. No more tubes and medicine. I prayed to God to hold my son until I see him again. My husband got there in an hour and a half. The pain of losing a child was too much. I shut everyone out. I thought of offing myself because a baby needs his mama. The funeral was yesterday. I wanted to pry open his casket and give him a last kiss goodbye.. I wanted to hug my son. It didn't happen.​Son, I know you're in a better place now. Please watch over me and daddy. I'm sorry I couldn't give my life to you. You know that I would if I could. I wanna give up but daddy needs me still. I will see you eventually. I will shower you with love and affection when that day comes and that's a promise. I love and miss you, son. I love you with every fiber of my being. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2BMMdZQ