It wasn't supposed to be like this.I always loved my niece and nephew and spending time with them. People's kids always liked me and gravitated to me and I never minded being at a cousin's birthday party and her best friend's kid deciding they wanted to sit on my lap for an hour. I was one of those weird people who liked going to baby showers and always lowkey hoped I would be my turn one day. I always squeed over cute babies and toddlers in the shops. I never got sick of people posting pics of their kids on social media. I never got annoyed at the crying baby on the plane (or if I did, I just put my earphones in and accepted they were just a little one and weren't trying to annoy me and were just scared).I liked kids.And then I had my first and oh how it sucked with the crying (she had terrible reflux), but this was normal for the first year right? And then we had a birth control mishap when she was 6 months old. I took the morning after pill because while we thought we wanted a second, we didn't want them so close together we wanted to wait until our oldest was at leas 2 before getting pregnant again, but it wasn't taken quick enough because I couldn't get to the chemist quick enough to get it ASAP because my LO was really sick and I didn't want to take her out on a freezing 0 degree day and they wouldn't sell it to my husband on his lunch break (he went to get it and was going to bring it back to me). I got pregnant with twins. I was terrified but my husband and I reasoned that we could get our 'baby years' over and done with quickly. I thought it would get better, but the toddler stage was even worse.But now the kids are 4.5 + 3 + 3.They are past the 'worst' years but I still......don't like being a mom at all.And I realise that while I loved kids - I only loved them in small doses. I feel like the worst person alive and like I am so ungrateful especially because everyone says how happy i must be now I finally have kids when I loved kids. But I.....don't like the kids being mine. I used to be able to hand them back when they were crying, now it is all on me, they used to be well behaved for me because I was someone else, now all the brattiness is my problem, the dirty nappies and toilet training and bed wetting and throwing up was/is my problem and I used to be able to 'squee and move on', now they are always around and they are so draining to deal with. And other people's kids never killed my dreams and social life - mine do and it is just so hard to deal with. I realised way too late that liking other people's kids is different to liking being a mom. And my husband has said that while he loves the kids, fatherhood isn't as 'rewarding' or 'worth it' as he thought it would be and the rewards don't seem to be enough for the sacrifices. Like yeah, we love Christmas morning and the sweet moments we have with the kids, but we just give up so much for all of that, and it all could have been fulfilled with nieces/nephews/godchildren anyway.I don't even know why I am saying all of this, I think I just need to get it off my chest and ell someone because I have kept it all bottled in for years and keep having to pretend that OMG I'M SO HAPPY when really, I think at least twice a day 'you stupid fool, what the hell were you thinking?'. I'd never ever ever want something to happen to my kids or for them to be harmed, but I honestly wish at least 3 times a week I could go back 6 years and tell my 33 year old self 'you like OTHER people's kids but it fucking sucks when they are your own, DON'T DO IT GIRL'.Selfish sidenote: I wish I could go on a decent fucking holiday just with my husband but we don't have anyone who can baby sit. I got pregnant on an amazing holiday we took to Italy. I wish more than anything I could travel again - without kids. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2B3rxrl
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