Wife struggles with relationship to kids, what should she expect of me?

My wife of 15 years [36] and I have always been quite co-dependent, always choosing to do everything together even before we had kids. After getting our sun my wife got a post partum depression and the echoes of that depression have sort of created a bad family dynamic ever since, her grievances with my role never fully resolved.Our kids [m/4] and [f/6] have a way of crowding my wife which she finds suffocating, this is a particular problem in the summer vacation when we spend weeks together on end such as now.My wife criticises me for not fully appreciating this "crowding", so it may be hard for me to describe fully, but the short of it is that the kids may do something which the wife finds annoying like picking fights or playing in a way that can damage the house, or even physically starting to climb and sit on her.The aim of this crowding is to get some attention, and it causes us grownups alot of stress(but mostly for my wife), when they start this we know we need to do something, be it putting the kids in a timeout if it is serious or it might be time to get going on an activity like going out. Since this action creates a reaction in us there is a chance that we reward unwanted behavior, for instance earlier we would put on the tv sometimes just to breathe,but we are then creating more of the same.My wife had post-partum depression after at least kid nr.2 and these feelings may stem from that time. For instance she holds a grudge for me painting our house for a week during that first year as she feels I did not support her in those days in her day-to-day, even getting time for a shower was difficult for her in those days,she felt. My wife sort of holds a grudge for me going to work and doing chores after birth as she did not cope well emotionally with caring for our second child( we moved into a new house and I got a new job at the same time, had water damage to our house).My wife really struggles with the kids because of this dynamic at the end of vacation time, often she says that I do not help because I often prefer to have quite unstructured see-how-it-goes days,while ideally the kids should be entertained with some activity before they start creating a stressful atmosphere,so she prefers a plan a day in advance. I do not see it this as much,therefore I react too late to her liking.It compounds the problem that we dont really do things apart, this does not seem to come naturally to me or her, but it means she gets little time-off.My wife is really starting to resent me for my role in our dynamic with the kids, this is affecting our marriage. She resents time alone she has with the kids even when it is for work or chores and resents me not creating enough time for her.It also puts me in a bad spot as I become resposible for her relationship with our kids and her happiness, things I feel she needs to be in charge of herself in a healthy relationship.How should I approach this social dynamic in my family?Tl;dr after post-partum depression my wife feels crowded by kids and resents me for not giving her the support she needs, but how much of this is real, how much of this is it reasonable and healthy for me ro be responsible for. A poor family dynamic has developed... via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2a02U2X