I need help! single mom here. I posted to a male-only sub but their bot rejected my post. I feel incredibly guilty like I dropped the ball or failed somewhere because my son (first grade) has lately taken to negative self talk and frankly scary behaviors- some examples:1- Completely breaking down and saying “I’m just a bad person/bad kid” when he gets in trouble for TOTALLY COMMON 6yo boy behaviors, like neglecting to clean his room or bad table manners (Note: i dont think its my discipline causing this because I am a non spanker and i don’t raise my voice. My dad was a marine and treated me like one of his recruits. It was traumatizing and i swore I’d never make my kid feel like i did growing up.)2 he Is incredibly shy- which i realize is just a personality trait and not a defect but he cant even approach the kids who live in next door without me holding his hand out of fear that he’ll be rejected. Im amazed that he makes it through the day at school. His teachers say that he’s the sweetest thing- but attaches to them and isolates himself from other kids.3- this was the incident that had me on the phone scheduling a child psychologist this morning- we live with my parents and on Friday he was bored, and started peeling away at the paint on our hallway. (My family paid a lot of money to have the house freshly painted recently) and he knew it was wrong because when i saw it and called him over to that area, his face dropped. He knew he was in trouble. I didn’t scream but I definitely drilled him about WHY (Which in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard because I had the same impulsive, picking behaviors as a kid. I would peel away at wallpaper absentmindedly or color on expensive furniture- and I would hide it or wait till they noticed because I knew it was wrong. Asking me why i did it never helped so idk why I thought drilling him would help. I digress.) I was admittedly very upset because ultimately, I’m the parent and I knew my family was going to come down on me as far as paying to have it fixed. I think i may have said something to the effect of “pop pop’s going to kill mommy over this” which was a euphemism but probably inappropriate.. just wanted him to understand the severity.I got at eye level and i told him that even though I accepted his apology, that I could not let it go without a consequence. I told him to give me his Nintendo DS and switch. He LOST it. Not in an entitled brat sort of way but just pure SHAME.He ran to his room, he told me to please leave him alone. I thought it was best to give him space.He came down about 30 minutes later crying, he said he wanted to “hurt himself” and that he wanted to “choke himself” because he was a “bad person.”I FREAKED. I immediately went into soothing mommy mode and after talking i learned he apparently he grabbed his own neck and squeezed (he’s 6. He doesn’t quite understand the mechanics but its still severe that hed even think to do that.) that was enough for me to want to call 911.My parents insisted that if i did, cps would probably come and take him and that he isnt hurt and i should start with a psychologist instead. I was skeptical so i called my city’s non-emergency PD and the operator’s opinion was that it may be wise to start with a mental health professional asap but that if he hurt himself/gets hurt I am to immediately call 911, no questions asked.I took his nintendo switch & ds and started going through his history, and apparently he navigated around my parental controls. He may have watched me type my passcode one too many times and memorized it. He has been watching some really disturbing content on youtube disguised as children’s videos (y’all know the ones.) but the basic internet engines were all disabled. So other than youtube, no other websites or chatting, etc.I don’t think controlling his content is the answer though. Ive got my issues and im afraid that he may have been impacted by them indirectly or unintentionally as hard as i tried to sheild him. In an effort to not make this post too much longer ill save the explanation and instead direct you to look at my post history.Today he went to school and all seemed fine till an hour ago, bath time.I was running his water and the temp felt too hot so I turned it down, he asked me not to. Convo:Me: (snorts) why would you want to stay in hot water, goofball?” Expecting him to smile and make a funny face like usual6: “Because I don’t like how i look.” My heart started sinking.Me: “what does that have to do with hot water?”6yo- “maybe if it gets hot enough my skin will fall off and a better looking body will grow back.”Im fucking heartbroken. He is SIX. And he has the self esteem of me when i was 16. I love him so so much.If he were a little girl I would know exactly what to say, because I know what I wish people had told me when I was a little girl. But he already has a hard enough time wanting to be “one of the boys” and being rejected.So I guess this long ass post is to get to my question:HOW do i make a little boy feel confident about his body in terms that aren’t emasculating? But at the same time, aren’t the archaic “tough it up/be a man” rhetoric? I told him he’s beautiful and perfect and there’s nothing wrong about a single hair on his head but he doesn’t believe me. His dad and i divorced and he really isnt in the picture.Edit it to clarify: i did call the child psychologist and got him into the earliest appointment available- which isnt till 6/26 unfortunately. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2wA3OyT
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