Cant take much more of my autistic son

Where do I start... This is the first time ever posting to a forum about this and first post in a long time for me. I used to work while my partner stayed home with my Autistic son. Now, the tables have turned and my partner is working while I stay home. Since he's gone to work my 4yo Autistic son has been acting out so bad. I've tried so hard to give him attention and bond with him at night by watching cartoons together, just the two of us. Yesterday I walked in on him eating his own shit. Now, I don't even want to be anywhere near him I'm so revolted. I'm not sure if this is attention seeking behaviour or what? I worry about his younger brother, like what kind of example is he setting for him? My youngest just turned a year and now he's getting to the age where he's starting to take notice to his constant screaming and meltdowns and I can see he's getting scared and confused. All I want to do is protect him. My 4yo is acting so bad I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do... Everything I do seems like it's not good enough. He has a great life but he acts miserable. I gave him his own TV, he has a giant room full of toys, a big family. I lived in trailers and my father's car growing up. No mother and no siblings, I was raised in poverty on welfare. He has so much and has no idea how lucky he is. Now I'm so repulsed I don't even want to bond with him and I ask myself why? I've been making an effort with him. Sure, I've been busy cleaning but I made sure to make time for him. Sometimes I feel like I'm neglecting my baby for attention for him, because I have to tend to my 4yo needs. He won't poo in the toilet so I have to put him in the shower every time he craps, cause he's the size of a 7yo and I can't change his diaper like a baby anymore. I have to keep my youngest in his crib while I make sure oldest washes his ass. I can't believe this is my life. I never thought my almost 5 year old would be still crapping himself. I wonder if this is going to be my life forever. I worry about my youngest son's future. I suffer from mental illness and I'm taking medication but it's really hard to keep it together and be stable when he gets shit all over the house or wakes up his brother, after I've told him to be quiet because he's sleeping. I keep trying to remind myself he's special needs, but sometimes it's hard and my mental illness takes over and I forget he's autistic. I've tried meeting other moms with autistic kids but it's not helping much, what else can we do? I worry he's ruining his younger brothers life. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2HaDbDz