Worst idea ever.

This weekend I went on a weekend trip with my husband, his parents and our 11 month old. Trip had a few hiccups (flight delayed 9 hours) but the baby did great.We wake up Monday morning to do some more sightseeing and we're all hanging out in grandma and grandpas hotel room. This kid loves to play, he loves being swung around or held high in the air. He loves being tossed up and caught. Naturally since I see the baby loving being tossed up and caught I do it and everything is fine on that front. So in my playing mood I go to bounce baby on the bed. God that looks terrible in words. I scare the living day lights out of the kid and everyone in the room just looks at me. He's bawling big sad tears. I'm about to puke. I already feel like a giant piece of crap, a terrible mother, the baby looks at me like "why do you betray me, mother" and my husband just yells at me. I was speechless. Totally speechless and all I say is "I thought he would like it" and the husband just says "don't say you didn't think". Husbands dad doesn't see what happened and asks "what happened" and his mom says "she threw him on the bed".So now it's been a couple days, I feel like everyone is staring at me and that no one trusts me and I feel like the worlds worst mom. All I want for this boy is to be happy and to have fun. Never in a million years would I want to hurt him or make him sad. I thought he would enjoy jumping on the bed. I remember jumping on the bed when I was a kid, it was great! Sure I was a big kid but...I'm 31. I'm not super nurturing but when I found out I was pregnant I was in love. Like hearts for eyes in love. The first movements I felt of him made me cry. Hearing his heartbeat made me cry. Seeing him on ultrasound made my heart swell bigger than the universe. I love this kid with every ounce of my being. I'd throw myself in front of anything to save him. But the way he looked at me crushed something inside of me. To make matters worse I feel like he won't come to me or isnt happy to see me. I feel completely disconnected from him right now. I feel like a failure as a parent. I scared the crap out of my baby. I work 3rd shift and it looks like that won't change for some time. So naturally I spend 40 hours a week not home with him at night. I never pack enough diapers or bottles or seem to forget a spoon for his food. Other kids are sleeping through the night and mine wakes up a couple times. The husband tells me that other people tell him this isn't normal. The husband tells me that I need to read to him more or hold him less or not let him cry too long. He asks me if "the baby has had anything to eat today" like I'd let the boy starve. If the baby starts crying the husband says "did mommy pinch you".I don't know how to fix what I did to the baby. I'm sure he doesn't remember it now. And I'm sure that he's coming to me just the same as before but I'm so hypersensitive after seeing his face and listening to his cries. I feel like no one trusts me especially the baby and I feel like a shitty parent. I'm not fishing for someone to say "oh sweetie it's nbd everyone makes mistakes" because to be honest I've felt like a shitty parent for a few months now because of working overnights, because I sleep for a few hours during the day, because I go to the gym for an hour after work Tuesday's and Thursday's and early morning on Saturday. Because I don't read enough to him. Because sometimes his crying when he's cranky makes me feel frustrated. Because if I go out I might drink an alcoholic beverage or few and get intoxicated (no I don't drink or drive). Im at the end of my rope and I feel totally alone in the world because my friends don't have kids and I don't want to unload my issues on them because what kid free person wants to hear someone with a kid bitch?:( I feel awful about everything. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/29XFaxA