My son is currently 11 years old.He lives with his dad and stepfamily while I live in another state.There are a lot of issues between the dad and I, which leads to the dad not allowing our son to come visit me. I can only see him if I visit them. We have paperwork that says I should get him certain times throughout the year, but my ex always finds a loophole to get out of it, making me do all of the traveling. I already know I should bring him to court for this, but this is not why I'm asking for advice (not to mention bringing him to court, right now, would not be the right time). I'm just trying to give a backstory.We went through 5 years of custody and, while my ex had unlimited funding through family, I had to "throw in the towel", so to speak, as the custody battle was clearly affecting our son and I was working three jobs to pay a lawyer to represent me (poorly).I moved away for several reasons. Hometown is very small with little to no job opportunities and very horrible school districts. Like worst in the state bad. I got a great job in another state with amazing schools. End game is to hopefully bring son to my state. This has been brought up by him several times. He tries to keep it quiet from his dad, however, as dad gets really upset when he mentions coming to see me. Typically cutting off our communication for a week or so, or punishing my grandma who gets him every weekend.Anyway, that is the basic backstory. There's a lot to it, but out of fear of identifying myself, I will keep it brief.The big reason I'm asking for advice is that my son is having a horrible time in school and feels as though he's being cast aside for his step siblings.Last report card he got all Fs. Before I left I petitioned to have him put in TAG and advanced reading, so I know he's smart. He told me that "It doesn't matter if he gets As or Fs, because he's always grounded, anyway". I have to navigate stuff like this very carefully, because his dad takes phone call time away from us if he finds out I say anything bad about him. But he is always grounded. I've sent several Christmas gifts such as his own iPod so we can text, and they all usually only last a day before they are taken away.I had him put in Boy Scouts, and his stepmom grounded him after the second meeting (which she was late bringing him to) "because he didn't sweep the floor when he should have".The step siblings are treated wildly different according to my son (and through piecing together some stuff on their Facebooks). When step siblings (11 and 13) get decent grades, they get money and a party. I know this is true because they invite friends on their Facebook every time it happens. My son is not allowed to have a Facebook even though they are. Ex and stepmom cannot give me a real reason for that.I feel hopeless. My son and I have a "secret" plan that when he is old enough, I will pay for an advocate and try to get him to come and live with me. We have two more years. He's been expressing wanting to live with me since he was 5. I do not try to coax him in this, however, as he has a habit of getting in fights with his dad about this stuff and his dad ends up taking away our phone and skype time. I've been recording all of this, I know there will be a battle.I basically have to be very careful in how I talk with our son, but I want to help him get his grades back up while we wait for the timing for him to move. I just have no idea how to get him to stick with getting good grades despite his feelings of being treated unfairly.I'm honestly really scared of putting this out there because people always instantly think I'm a horrible mother because I don't have custody. I completely understand this, and I feel like I failed him every day. But I'm trying my best.I just hope maybe someone has some advice so I can help him navigate this time in his life without failing his classes. All I want is to have him with me, but right now both of us understand that can't happen right away. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2jNgr0n
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