I am doing the best I can.

This is going to be long, and probably give out a "woe is me" vibe, but I need to get this out, even if it just for my own sake.I'm a single mother of two boys, 4 and 21 months. Their father and I split on my 30th birthday, New years day 2018, after he drank a whole bottle of vodka and attacked me while I was holding the then 6 month old baby.To be fair to him, we found out after we had separated that a brain tumour was causing an escalation in strange behaviours. But the tumour had not been there long enough to cause some of the other unacceptable behaviours that I had been in denial about, such as the drinking, manipulation and gaslighting.We tried for a good year to maintain a platonic relationship for the sake of the boys. Phone calls every night. Visits were rare thanks to his cancer treatment. Eventually my ex was cured, and he got a job as a tradesman. The long hours meant he often missed the boys phone calls, and didn't have time for visits.Eventually I chewed him out for his inability to pay any child support despite earning more than me, and for not being a reliable presence in the boys lives. I decided then and there that I was done organising all the phone calls and visits, only to be let down my my ex. My oldest was acting up, and he needed stability, and to not be disappointed if his dad didn't pick up the phone.My ex hasn't even attempted to call or contact the boys once since I decided to stop organising everything for him. I'm sure he is telling his friends that I've stopped him from seeing them, which is not the case. He just hasn't made any effort at all.I'm devastated for them. I want them to have a strong male presence in their life. My Dad is amazing and has really stepped up to the plate, but he is quite old and a bit ill, so he won't be around for a long time.I am working several days a week to pay the rent, the bills, the food. I get benefits, but it isn't a huge amount. My expenses are increasing. Daycare, swimming lessons, clothes. I want to put the boys in martial arts and piano lessons but I don't think I can afford it.I feel terrible, because I don't feed them the foods they should be eating. On the days I work, they get pasta, chicken nuggets, rice for dinner. Easy quick meals. Most days they get a cheese and bacon roll for lunch. They eat a ton of fruit, and my fussy 4 year old has started actually trying vegetables without throwing a 20 minute tantrum.I don't play with them as much as I should. I used to play with my oldest a lot when he was a toddler, but now screens have overtaken our lives. Tv is always on. They have an ipad. I have a nintendo switch that my oldest son begs me to play constantly. But the tv is usually background noise. The ipad has educational stuff that teaches them to read and write and count. My son and I have been having some bonding time, we played LEGO Harry Potter and Pokemon Eevee together.They don't play outside much, partially because I hate going outside, and partially because the youngest is too young to in the backyard with minimal supervision. My ex also left his dogs so for them to play outside means I have to watch them constantly (the dogs wouldn't hurt a fly, but you never know), and clean up the insane amount of poo the dogs leave behind.But they are happy. They are loved. They are fed, and clothed. They go to daycare and kinder, where they interact with other children and learn about the world. They go to swimming so they won't die immediately if they fall in the water. On the days I don't work, I take them out, to the shops or a friends house, or occasionally a playground or playcentre. Get them out of the house.They are kind. They are very clever. They adhere to a routine, where they sleep all night, and the little one still naps during the day. We brush our teeth with minimal fuss. We read books together. We cuddle, and kiss, and high five, and cuddle some more. We giggle, a lot. So much laughter.They say please and thank you. They are polite, and overly friendly to everybody they meet. They are well known at our local shopping centre because they really ramp up the cuteness and put on a show, saying hi to all the workers, and having conversations with the little old ladies who pass us by.They are so kind. When someone is upset, they will come and wipe away the tears and pat their back, give a hug and say "There, there. It's ok".They are healthy. They are small, genetically. They both had mild health problems after birth. But they are now healthy. They eat enough, sleep enough. I could probably bathe them more often though. Ill get more strict on that once they get closer to the smelly teenage years.They are smart. Oh god, sometimes I wish they weren't so clever. My oldest is starting to read. The ipad apps I have are all educational. Youtube and netflix are banned (My oldest figured out how to navigate both at the age of 2, so I couldn't just put on something I approved of, he would find something that was crap and become transfixed with that). I taught them both baby sign language, so they could tell me what they wanted before they could even talk. As the younger one has started talking, its being used less, but the communication has helped reduce tantrums over little things. My oldest is a maths superstar. Adding and subtracting since he was 3. Too bad he has my terrible artistic skills and attention span.They aren't perfect. They cry, and whine, and fight. Like all toddler boys do. They demand things.They act like typical young boys. So much screeching and running around and jumping on the furniture.I often feel like I am failing them. That I should spend more time playing and less time on my laptop or phone. I should make better home cooked meals for them. Take them outside more.I told this to a friend at work the other day. She said that I was doing the best I can, with what I have. I have a tough situation. Minimal help and support. Precious little free time. Fighting depression and anxiety and fatigue.I need to give myself more credit. Dwell less on my guilt and shortcomings as a mother. Tell myself that my kids are happy, and healthy, and LOVED.And that I am doing the best I can.EDIT: Quick edit to say, while I wrote this partly because I needed to see this myself, another reason I wrote this is because I hope that my situation resonates with someone, and that they can see that the guilt and sadness and desire to be the perfect parent only comes because they care so much about doing the best they can for their kids. And that caring that much means that they too are doing the best they can. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2OF5zmq