I want to be concise with this, but I feel there are a lot of relevant elements to the backstory, so please bear with me (TL;DR at the bottom).So I met this girl (Suzie) at my old job two years ago. She was younger, but very fun and funny, so we chatted each other up in the break room and partnered up during training and all that jazz. Luckily we were assigned near each other after training, so we got the chance to talk a lot and we really clicked. It wasn't long until that developed into a casual, physical relationship.I was worried about her emotional attachment or being less than professionally discreet at work, but she put me at ease. Suzie said she didn't want a relationship and wasn't looking to get either of us in trouble. I was relieved. It wasn't for almost a few months of hooking up that I began to find out/be told the reasons why: she had only recently found out she was pregnant. By the guy who had raped her. And her family wasn't exactly handling the situation, nor her explanation of it, well. We were attracted to each other, and we both had urges, she just had some emotional things to out in her mind, separate from those urges.Fast forward almost a year, and we're still hooking up casually when our schedules permit it - maybe two or three times a month - but we've both acknowledged that the relationship has blossomed a little bit: we're getting lunch outside of work, she's staying over later and later, and eventually I met her son. Neither of us pushed for development, but things started progressing, and eventually the "where are we/what is this" conversation couldn't be avoided. We both agreed that we wanted to date. So we did, and we are. :-)Fast forward several months again, and we've begun talking about moving in together sometime soon. Given my dating experience, I feel comfortable assessing our readiness, so it doesn't freak me out. With that, though, has come a sort of mental inventory of the future - I'm thinking ahead to future issues: whose furniture do we keep, where would we live that would be close to work and a good school for her son (we'll call him Timmy)...oh shit. Timmy.And like lightning, it hit me: I'll have to adopt Timmy. I mean, it's not a big deal. I'm not scared of children (I actually have a son that Suzie has met from when I was married on active duty), and I've grown to love them both so much, but if things keep working out and we stay together, adopting him seems S.O.P. But at that moment, a complication came to the forefront of my mind I hadn't considered before...See, the thing is, I'd been semi-part of a similar issue as a child. My mom never married my father, but she married my sister's dad. He was a dick. Drunk, abusive - he once tossed me underhanded, like a sack of laundry, down a flight of stairs when I was five - and ended up in prison for murdering his friend shortly after he and my mom split.My mom didn't want my sister to know about her father - I think because she didn't want my sister to feel like she had his poisonous blood in her veins, or something similar to that - and so when she married again to a much better man and human being when my sister was three, they raised her to believe the man who was both our step-dad was actually her father. But when they divorced, my mom moved us back to the same town and neighborhood where I grew up, and neighbors who knew my mom but not my sister (nor the official story of her origins) let the truth slip. My mother was pissed and my sister was devastated. My step-dad flew in to visit and talk things through with my sister, and eventually she was okay - at least, I assume so. To this day she doesn't talk about the situation or her father a whole lot to me, but she has continued living life as if the man she originally thought was her father, is.So anyway! To my main point (finally!), I'm not sure how much similarity lies between my sister's situation and mine. I'm not sure how else to say it - and I deeply apologize if this is a gross or offensive term - but would it be more devastating for a child to live his life thinking a parent is his biological parent, only to potentially find out he isn't (and likely more devastating the older he is when he does find out?) or to be told at some point that he's a..."rape baby"? Is there any good age to give a child that talk??My gf knew the man who raped her - they worked together briefly, and that's why she left her job and started working where we met - and she hates him with every fiber of her being. When we talk about moving, she says she doesn't want to live in neighborhoods where she knows this guy is or has family and might frequent. She also doesn't want Timmy to ever know him because Timmy doesn't deserve that baggage and the man who raped her doesn't deserve to have Timmy in his life. But if something like this progresses, I want to do right by Timmy for the long term. I want to try my best to do what the healthiest thing would be for him. I'm conflicted because I want to honor Suzie's wishes, but experience and observation has told me that too many people are privy to the reality of this secret to make it one that's likely to last.So do we risk it? Do we hide the truth from him and risk him being emotionally screwed up over it, possibly resenting us for not being truthful, maybe having a hard time trusting us ever again? Has anyone here been, or know someone who has been, in Timmy's shoes? Or even closer to my shoes and perspective in this scenario? Looking back, did those involved handle it well? What would you/the person you know have wanted them to do differently?TL;DR - My gf was raped and had a baby. She wants me to adopt him and keep the truth about his biological father from him, but my sister's dad's existence was hidden from him for almost 15 years, and I don't know if it would be a mistake to repeat what my mom did to her, to my gf's son. Looking for advice from people with experience in this. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2x7D3Ew
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