I’m writing this to ask advice from everyone, but also specifically from those in inter-cultural relationships. The relationship between my husband and my mother and father have significantly deteriorated and I need to a) figure out if the behavior of either parties is “normal” and/or b) if there’s anything that can be done to repair it.Please bear with me as this is very long.I am Chinese and my husband is white. I’m a 1.5 generation kid and my parents are very old-school traditional Chinese folks. We have a 2.5 year old toddler. My husband and I had to be separated for a while due to career and my mom moved in with me to help me with our son. My husband recently moved to our location. Things were rocky when it was just my mom and I because we’d clash over how my son was raised (food, discipline, routine, etc); I’ve given in quite a bit to her, but my husband doesn’t yield as much as I do. For example, if my son was unhappy with what we have for dinner, he will continuously complain and my mom will keep making food until he is satisfied. Whenever we eat out or go out to a museum or the zoo, she will keep buying him treats, like fried goods and ice cream. When he misbehaves, like throwing toys, we generally take the toy away, after a warning, and attempt to redirect him. He will run to her and asked to get picked up and instead of following through our re-direction, she will pick him up and soothe him. We hold to a relatively strict bedtime routine and places him in his bed after the story time to allow him to fall asleep on his own. She ignores that and will rock and hold him until he falls asleep, sometime taking up to 1.5 hours. We say limited screen time, and she will give him iPad access whenever he asks for it (so sometimes he watches up to 2 hours/day). HOWEVER, she has also been really good with him in that she has taught him a lot of skills, like language, creativity, and it’s clear that he really has a deep bond with her. Also, although we have not asked her, she does a lot of the household chores. I’m fine doing these chores; I just can’t because I’m away during the day and she did them while I’m working.My husband and my mom have not gotten along. For example, my son woke up from a nap and was still cranky. My husband was holding him and he started throwing a tantrum and asked from grandma. My husband wanted to redirect my son instead of giving into his tantrum, started carrying him around the house. He passed by my mom. My mom reached out and my husband said, “no,” (albeit to my son, although I can see my mom misconstruing that to her) and walked on. My mom flipped her shit, crying, screaming, threatening to commit suicide, saying how she’s been disrespected. This went on and on for about a week and it’s been about a month since it happened and while she’s no longer living with us, she still brings it up. My father is furious and has said to me that if my grandmother had helped to the degree that my mother has helped us, he would be kissing the ground that she walked on. He explained that he felt that we were ungrateful and that instead of focusing so much on childcare, we and especially my husband should be studying and focusing on our careers and leave the childcare to them. Today, she told me that they both think that my husband hates them because of how he treats them, which made me really upset and disappointed. My husband has visited my father when we were separated to keep him company and cook him food; my husband also fixed their house and yard. He’s not the warmest person because he’s an extreme introvert.So a bit of background on my parents, before my son was born, my mother kept pushing the idea that I should leave my son with them until I was more settled in my career. To anyone who has very Asian parents, this is not out of the line. There are a ton of foreign workers who leave their kid(s) with their parents and then go off to work. However it is foreign to me because I’ve spent most of my life in America. So my mom wants a position in which most, if not, all of the childcare is up to her. However, both my husband and I want to play an active part in raising our child. Also, in my parents’ circle in China, most of the husbands don’t really take part in raising kids. It’s done by the wife or the grandparents. My mom also takes offense to the way that my husband behaves around them, e.g. she expects to be greeted first, she expects to be asked on her health and her day etc etc and my husband’s just not that polished. He tries and she is hard of hearing so sometimes she doesn’t hear him and just assumes that he’s rude.Ultimately, I believe that this is a case of extreme cultural conflict. I don’t believe that I can ever convince my parents that my husband really is not trying to antagonize them. He’s just really quiet and firm in his desire to be a father, despite having a busy schedule. Anyone face or faced something similar and have any advice? Sorry I know I just unloaded a lot. I love my parents, my mom’s insane at times, but I really owe them a lot for immigrating and doing the worst of the worst to try to give me a better life. I really want this to work but I don’t know what to do.Tl,dr: Chinese grandparents wants almost total control over raising grandchild, husband and I don’t agree, resulting in a lot of arguments and accusations of zero filial piety. Love my parents, really want to make it work. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2gYs8D0
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