Need advice... My husband punished our 13 year old daughter by making her scrub the entire bathroom with her toothbrush. I think he went way too far.

My husband Alan and I are disagreeing on how to discipline our daughter Jen who talked rudely to her teacher at school. I was out of town last week for week, and when I was away Alan called me and mentioned Jen had talked back to her teacher at school and he had to come in to talk to the teacher, and was also dealing with it. At the time, i trusted him to deal with it.When I got back, I asked about the whole story from each of them.Alan told me that Jen had cussed out a teacher over a seating assignment change, and that was not acceptable, so he made her do some cleaning as punishment and had a talk with her about not doing it again.Jen told me about things a little differently. She said she was in class and there’s this kid who’s a total class clown who won’t pay attention and spends all class taking to people, throwing stuff at other students and the teacher, and she just doesn’t like him because he’s kind of a dick who likes to annoy people until they snap at him. And in class, the teacher said to this kid, to go sit next to Jen for the rest of the year. Obviously trying to put him next to a good student who wouldn’t encourage him. So Jen went and talked to her teacher after class to say it wasn’t fair that she had to sit with this kid. And he said something she took as condescending, saying she was “a good girl who could be a good influence on him if she tried.” And she got upset, and said it wasn’t her job to teach this asshole shit, that’s a teacher’s job. And she didn’t care to be “used’ like that just because she gave a damn about school.Her teacher got angry with her about the language she used, and he sent her to the principals. And when Alan came to speak with the teacher, he fully agreed with the teacher that Jen was out of line to speak disrespectfully like that, and he took her home and grounded her for the week and made her scrub the whole bathroom with a toothbrush rather than actual cleaning supplies.After hearing about things from my daughter, I honestly was horrified that neither her teacher or Alan paid attention to the content of what she was saying, just the cusses she used. And I was also disgusted by how Alan made her scrub the bathroom with just her toothbrush. It seemed demeaning and unnecessary, and I thought it was teaching her all the wrong lessons… To respect authority, or else you’d be punished in nasty demeaning ways.——This stuff hits a very personal note for me, honestly. When I was a girl, my parents were into similar punishments, stuff that was supposed to be humiliating or nasty or deeply unpleasant in some way, as a punishment for “disrespect” or lack of composure, or lack of following the rules.And it really screwed me up later in life. The lessons of “it’s never OK to speak against authority” and “it’s normal to be punished in petty and controlling ways” really stuck with me into my career and into my adult relationships.At my first job, I went along with some stuff I really shouldn’t have because I had it drilled into me to not speak up. Corruption, harassment by a manager, a manager crossing lines with me sexually and me being too scared of breaking the rules of”professionalism” to do enough about it. Nasty treatment from senior coworkers.It took me time to become comfortable questioning authority, understanding that some sorts of punishments or consequences are not worth tolerating (in a job, in an adult relationship, etc)——Anyway, if I had been there last week, I would have been proud of Jen for speaking up. And only really chastised her for using language that generally doesn’t lead to a productive conversation. I wish I was like that as a girl, and I’m honestly proud of her strong will.And I’m equally upset with my husband. I tried to talk to him about how he’d crossed a line, and I don’t think he really understands where I am coming from. To everything I said, he just harped on and on about the bad language Jen had used. And how it wasn’t up to her, how her teacher laid out a seating chart.I am afraid this sort of thing will come up again, especially now that Jen’s becoming a more outspoken teenager. I want to teach her how to speak up for herself, how to do it appropriately and effectively, and it’s upsetting when my husband isn’t on the same page.How can I approach this so my husband and I can get on the same page? And how can I convince him that this is really important to me?(edited to make the question I was asking clearer)TLDR - My husband and I are disagreeing about raising our teenage daughter. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2W5HHeR