When I brought my first daughter home from the hospital, I couldn't believe that my wife and I were allowed to leave, now responsible for this tiny human. We had signed up for this. We were ready. We didn't have to speak with the department of social services justifying ourselves to care for a human life. It seemed surreal then, and every day since. There was some paperwork, some of it was instructional on the care of an infant, but there was nothing on how to be a father. How hard could it be? Those gross, filthy parents with screaming children I see at the grocery store seem to somehow be managing, I hope I can at least match them. I wish that the hospital had given me a list of the things that almost five years after that day that I didn't know then, maybe to soften the fears of my own ability to be a parent. This is what I would have liked to be distributed with the cord blood retention, insurance, proper ass-wipery and things not to stack upon your infant upon your return home paperwork. I'll call it the "You Got This, but...", form.-Your kid is going to need constant care. You don't know what constant means, because up until now, your perception of that word had breaks in the meaning. You're going to be interrupted to deal with some shit (yes, literal shit) for the next 5 years. You will not eat, sleep, go to the store, watch television, read, relax or any other activity. If you do find yourself immersed comfortably in something, be ready to run towards a screaming child.-The second you fall asleep, you will be shocked back awake by screaming. Don't worry, you will fall asleep again. It won't be for as long as you want it to be either, so suck it up. And by "it", I mean coffee.-Your wife will hate you and you will hate her back. You will blame each other for the sleep you aren't getting, even though it's your new daughter's fault. You will get over this when you both sleep 5+ consecutive hours. I'll write again in five more years if it's happened by then.-You're going to be a zombie. Not sleeping sucks, so don't ever judge someone who says I didn't sleep in a harsh manner. Their life is terrible until at least the next time they are able to sleep. If that never having enough uninterrupted sleep happens every day for years, you will lose brain power. Most of it. If it doesn't come back, you don't know what you lost, so relax.-You will somehow have a second little girl during this first five years. You will spend the free time you didn't have caring for this newborn. You already forgot how nice it was to sleep for any consecutive amount of time, so you won't notice the difference when you get even less. It's kind of like not eating when you're already hungry.-You will never shit alone again. You know how irksome you find it when someone tugs on the handle when you are tucked away in what you think is a low-trafficked bathroom at work? When you're home trying to use the bathroom, you won't have 10 seconds alone between when you close the door and point your naked ass towards the toilet. One of your kids will open the door. If you do manage to lock the door, they will bang on the door and scream, thus still ruining any semblance of privacy.-You don't know this yet, but being touched while you are eating is a form of torture. Thank the Lord for all of the days of your life that you were unaware of how much you hate having this happen.-You're going to get kicked in the testicles so many times that it would be more practical to wear a cup more often than not. This will happen while you are sleeping as well. Don't worry, they will callous over and die from the repeated attacks. You won't miss your balls, they got you into this situation in the first place. It's not like you have any privacy to achieve a romantic interlude anyway. There's less time for love than there is to throw down a deuce with the door closed.-You will understand the phrase "Your heart beats outside your chest", in a manner that you didn't before. Your girls continued existence is more important than your own. You'll forget about that when the little girls get into a screaming death match over a toy that neither of them gave a shit about until the other one seemed to be enjoying playing with that toy. You'll use the time they're distracting each other to hide in the bathroom to play candy crush, justifying the decision not to break up the fight to save on future college and wedding expenditures should one kill the other.-Your second kid will not eat anything while seated, and precious little while standing and running. Judging the parents who's kid could not use their ass to combat gravity will karma back to you as a toddler who's default setting as a human is 3 miles per hour.-Your house will not be clean while your girls are awake and present. They will coat every surface with blankets and small plastic toys that you never see them playing with, but are somehow unable to be contained in plastic bins for any period of time. People will give you more blankets and plastic toys every day. You cannot throw them out faster than their replenishment rate, so don't bother trying. Even if you do, the one you throw away will be the one blanket/toy that was load bearing for one of your daughter's sanity. They will punish your for it's absence with screaming. Best just leave it on the floor.-You'll get through the first five of parenthood happy with your decision to join the Daddy club. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2FP7UZp
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