I feel like my family doesn't appreciate me

TL;DR I want my husband to share the mental load.This is probably going to be a long read, stream of consciousness style. I can't really focus that well with these two kids destroying the den around me. I have two kids, nearly 5, and 14 months. I'm feeling really exhausted and overwhelmed. Financially we used to be comfortable, we own a home (we purchased a fixer recently in an affluent neighborhood), we could afford a vacation now and again, I had a cleaning lady weekly and a yard service. We were doing okay and we had begun a remodel on our master bathroom.Then the shit hit the fan. My husband's boss fired him and a few others without notice and no severance. For three months we survived on our credit cards, then when the credit ran out, we burned through the savings we had set aside for remodeling. My husband finally found a new job, but we had to borrow money from my FIL in order to float us until he got his first paycheck. Now we are living paycheck to paycheck because the interest from all our maxed out credit cards is bending us over. We have an 80% finished bathroom remodel because the contractor ghosted on us after we sent him his final payment (we weren't sure we would need to sell the house so we finished paying him when husband lost his job so he'd complete the bathroom... instead he bailed with the money.) The rest of our house is a crusty falling apart relic from the late 70s. It's big, but it's gross. Our backyard is basically a bunch of dirt and sprinkler trash after we had to abandon a back yard remodel, so we don't have anywhere for our kids to play and I am way way WAY too ashamed to have any friends or family over because this place is a really disgusting embarrassment.​Anyway I got a job working from home, so I could help our finances recover but I don't make much. I work from 7:30 to 3PM every day with my 14 month old destroying the house around me. Before I got the job, I did a pretty good job of keeping this place really clean and everybody's laundry finished. But since I've been working I literally cannot do it all. I sit at home all day from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, the only places I get to visit outside of it are the elementary school to pick up my kindergartener, the grocery store, and the bus stop. I should mention I have lupus, which one of the major symptoms of it is chronic fatigue and horribly painful arthritis. I'm never NOT in pain, but I do an okay job of hiding it because I'm so used to chronic pain and fatigue. I'm tired all the time... so tired. I sleep poorly and I never feel like I'm rested enough to tackle what I need to do for the day. I feel like I exist in a fate of 1st trimester pregnancy style exhaustion 24/7. As soon as I'm off work at 3PM I go pick up my son from Kindergarten and get home and have to start dinner. My husband is in sales so he has weird hours. He's always off meeting with potential clients, sometimes wining and dining at restaurants. I'm with my kids 24/7 and I don't get a break from it much at all. I find myself incredibly jealous of his interactions with adults that aren't the YMCA aftercare lady at the elementary school.A lot of the time he gets home after their bedtime, which basically leaves me to be flying solo during those times. When he does come home in time to see them he likes to sit on the couch and "unwind" which is a luxury I just don't get to do and I feel immediately jealous of. He acts put off when I ask him to do stuff like bathe the kids or do dishes. He claims he likes to do dishes, but he doesn't do them unless I ask him if he can. He prefers to play Overwatch. We've been fighting a lot lately because I get angry at literally any action that is not taking the kids off my hands or helping around the house in some way. I am frustrated that he doesn't look around, see that the house is a complete mess and I am strung out, and try to figure out something he can do to help. I am frustrated that I always have to ask for him to do a task. He doesn't even know what the kids eat. He put an olive on our molarless 14 month olds high chair today. He can't eat a fucking olive. I'm literally sitting there pre-chewing this baby's meat for him so he can eat because he only has his 4 front teeth and he sticks an olive on the high chair. It's just an example of his disconnect with them. I get frustrated because I feel like our roles with the kids aren't equal. It was fine back when I wasn't working, but now that I am... nothing has changed at all in our relationship in order to make up for the chores that don't get done.​My house basically is a disaster. No laundry had been done, floors filthy covered in dirt, grime, and cat fur wads, cat litter not changed, toys and shit and clutter everywhere, bills and stuff all over every table and surface. My husband leaves his button down work shirts on all the chairs, shoes and socks all over the place.​I spent the entire day yesterday (Saturday) cleaning. I did laundry, scrubbed showers, vacuumed, picked up clutter, changed cat litter, swept and mopped floors. I asked my husband to help me. Told him to keep the kids downstairs. Every time I came down there he was playing Overwatch. When I watch the kids, I usually try to do tasks that involve picking stuff up or helping. I would occasionally ask my husband for stuff, but he basically was completely unable to help do me the favors I asked him because he was playing Overwatch. I needed help just picking stuff up at the very least. I could't possibly get this whole house clean in a reasonable time frame without help. When I finally finished the upstairs after about 5 hours of deep scrubbing, I came down to a disaster. Overwatch of course, and the kids had been left to their devices and they had DESTROYED the downstairs. Somehow I managed to clean the downstairs as well, and went to bed by 10PM. I started cleaning at 6AM. The whole time I was cleaning I felt angry and envious that I didn't get to sit on my ass and play a video game and ignore the washing machine and the vacuum cleaner and the baby pulling dvds out of the TV stand or the 4 year old taking the white sheep skin throw and pushing it across the dusty grime covered cheap hardwood floors. He acts like I am completely out of line when I get upset too, and because I didn't GIVE him tasks like some kind of foreman TASKMASTER, that he should just sit on his ass and play a video game and that's good enough. I could think of 100 things he could have been doing that would have been helpful WHILE watching the kids, but he chose to play a video game instead and those 100 things still need to be done.​I've showed him https://ift.tt/2iztynr before and he gets very angry and bent out of shape when I try to talk about the mental load. Like when I ask him to go to the grocery store and take the kids with him he gets ANGRY and indignant, like how dare I suggest he do something SO HARD as to take two kids to the grocery store with him so I can have an hour of quiet? I do it all the time. They sit in the basket. What's the big fucking deal? Somehow even when I ask him to take care of them and give me a moments peace, I STILL end up sitting in a chair shoving food into our 14 month old's mouth, or reading bedtime stories to my 4 year old. On days he doesn't come home from work I do all of these things without help and with the best smile on my face my exhausted self can muster.​Jesus my lupus is murdering my hands with how much typing I'm doing on this post. Ugh. So after I spent all day yesterday cleaning this house, the three of them have completely undone everything. I'm sitting looking around at a completely obliterated TV room, the kitchen floors are filthy, and the counters are covered in food and clutter. My husband played Overwatch all day. We ended up getting into a mild blow up because I was angry that he was playing Overwatch. I asked him if he looked around the house and saw the state it was in and believed that there was literally NOTHING that needed to be done to help me. Could he look at the piles of bills everywhere, the filth on the floor, the toys everywhere, the food all over the counters, the laundry sitting in the drier unfolded... and tell me he didn't see anything he could do to help me? I'm just so frustrated. I don't feel appreciated or respected. An example: I spent 20 minutes scrubbing and wiping down counters, only for my husband to plop down two pieces of bread to make a sandwich. I look at him like he has lost his mind and he goes "WHAT?! You just cleaned them, they're sanitary." Like... that wasn't the point. I just cleaned them... why do you need to make a crumb mess all over them like a cat who is excited to shit in a clean litterbox?​I do not know how to talk to my husband about this. He gets angry and defensive whenever I try to bring it up. I am not heard in my house. I feel like my feelings do not matter. He has lived his whole life in privilege He's had a maid or partner or mom doing his laundry and cleaning his house since he was 21. He doesn't even really know how to clean properly. I have tried to kindly ask him to clean stuff for me, and even showed him how it should be done but he insists on doing it his way, which is usually half assed and I almost always have to finish the job for him. I sometimes think that he subconsciously TRIES to do a shitty job at household tasks so that I do not ask him to do them again. Like if he does a poor enough job I'll just fire him and do it myself so he doesn't have to.I don't want to be here anymore. I want to just disappear. More and more I feel like I want to just get in my car and drive away and leave forever. Or maybe just put a bullet in my head because at least at that point I would stop having chronic pain and fatigue. I've left voicemails on a couple of therapists offices, but in reality we can't afford therapy. We can't even afford babysitters or to go out to eat. (another thing I'm always envious about.. my husband getting to go out to eat for lunch, getting to drive a car without a bunch of kids screaming in the back seat, being able to do literally ANYTHING and hang out with adults without kids in tow). We're paycheck to paycheck right now and drowning in debt. All of the local therapists are like $200-$250+/ session. None of them take our insurance, and the ones that do have offices impossibly far distances away so I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm just trying to be heard by somebody, since my husband won't hear me and just argues with me when I try to express myself. I want to know I'm not the only woman who feels this way. I'm tired of having mood swings, snapping at my kids and husband, of crying constantly when I'm alone. I'm tired of it. I want to be able to appreciate everything I have but I just can't see the forest for the trees anymore.Edit: more feelings. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2NMetxq