My four-year-old son is "that" kid.

My son is four, and his behavior is totally unacceptable. I feel like I'm failing miserably. Everything I've tried has either made things worse, or had no effect.He's very smart, and very sweet. He gives me hugs, kisses and cuddles all the time. He tells me I'm his best friend. But at least once a day, he transforms into a child-sized demon. When he gets angry he hits, spits, and throws things. He thinks that he can make his own rules. He yells, and he ignores instructions. Everywhere we go, he's "that" kid. He's the one losing his shit in the airport, in the grocery story, etc.From an outside perspective, you'd think he's got a poor upbringing. Maybe his parents ignore him, or they don't try hard enough.Not the case. I'm a single mom, but he sees his dad quite a bit and we co-parent effectively. We've both tried damn hard. I stayed home and breastfed for two years. To the best of my abilities, I've optimized his diet, his vitamins, and his sleep. I've tried yoga and meditation videos for kids. I've tried limiting his screen time. I've tried writing out schedules for our days, and posting them on the walls. I've tried children's books unwanted behaviors. I've tried more exercise, and taking him to tumbling classes. I've tried strict discipline, and time-outs. I've tried positive reinforcement and behavior charts and reward systems. His dad supports all of this. None of it has made any noticeable impact.I even got so fed up that I requested an evaluation from the school district, to see if there are any special needs I should be aware of. So far, they can't find anything to address. They did say he's gifted. But that does nothing to help us survive pre-K, or address these extremely inappropriate behaviors.I've got him going to a counselor. She's been fairly useless. I talked to his pediatrician. He just referred me back to the counselor.It's gotten so bad that I feel like I'm being bullied in my own home. I'm so tired of EVERYTHING being an argument. I just can't anymore. Finishing a meal. Brushing teeth. Taking a bath. Putting a toy away. Picking a story. It's maybe only one or two things per day, but it's always something, and it's always WW3. The same is happening at school, and it's awful. He hits his teachers (who seem very nice) because he "doesn't like them anymore". He's rough with his "friends" and hardly ever participates in class activities. Every day I explain why what happened was wrong, and make sure he knows how to improve. He's still getting poor reports daily. It's a very Groundhog-Day-esque nightmare. At one point I was even role-playing with him, to make sure he knows how to react in tough situations. That didn't help because he did the practice perfectly. He KNOWS, he just can't manage to calm himself in the moment. He wants no part of deep breathing exercises, or glitter jars, or counting to ten.For those that are curious, here's how one of these episodes might play out:Me: How was your day buddy?Him: Fine.Me: Did you follow the rules today?Him: I dunno, kinda.Me: Aw, sounds like maybe something frustrating happened. Can you tell me about it?Him: I don't remember.Me: Did anyone get hurt?Him: Only like three people.Me: Did you hit them?Him: ... yeah.Him: Can I have screen time today?Me: No buddy, doesn't sound like you earned it. Maybe if you have a better day tomorrow, and follow the rules we talked about, we can do it then.Him: NOOOOOOOO! Whyyyyyyyy?? I want to do it nowwwwwww.Me: Sorry bud. I can't do that. You know the deal. You have to earn it by having a good day at school.Him: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! I make my own rules!This is where I say no again. He tries to get the tablet himself. I tell him that's not how it works. He tries to hurt me, stomps around, slams his door a few times, and finally sulks in his room for a while. If he's swinging at me, I hold him down just enough that he can't hurt me badly. If he wants to go to his room, I let him go so he can cool off. Once he's calm I explain why what happened was unacceptable, he apologizes, I make sure he knows the rules, and I follow through with whatever consequence is necessary (for instance, no second story if he can't brush teeth nicely).Wash, rinse, repeat. This is happening every day.I've tried so hard and I literally don't know what else to do. Obviously nothing I'm saying or doing is helping. He was asked to leave his first daycare at age three, and he's barely hanging on at pre-K. His record is already starting to follow him around -- the private kindergarten he got accepted to would only take him on "conditional enrollment". I think it's the right fit and I'm willing to pay for a decent school, but he won't last long there if this continues.I feel like such a failure for not being able to fix this. No one knows how to help. I get dirty looks from people who don't know me. What am I doing wrong. What am I missing.Also, sorry for the novel :/. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2qeWwLQ