For my entire life I always envisioned having kids. Then I got married and my spouse was not really into it (some of it was my fault, I was perpetually trying to move and caused a lot of drama in our marriage with that). That sort of turned me into thinking maybe i don't want them either (defense mechanism) and then I fully convinced myself my life was better without kids. A couple years ago my spouse was like we've travelled, we've saved, we're in our mid 30s and what else is their to life. We both work for the Fed govt where we have excellent benefits and excellent hours. we live near family for support. I had convinced myself by this point though I don't want kids but our lives were pretty empty. We made a lot of useless social plans to fill our time and travelling was becoming more of a nuisance ( i hate flying). So we went for it and i got pregnant immediately. Flash forward. Very easy pregnancy (I actually liked being pregnant, weird I know). Then the 8th month hit, my blood pressure starting going crazy, tons of tests, and then being induced kicking and screaming. 36 hour labor, got preeclampsia in the hospital, was on magnesium for 48 hours, emergency C section, and then everything after that was a BLUR and HAZE for months because i had HORRIBLE PPD and issues breastfeeding (which I dropped at 6 weeks). I hated my daughter, I wanted my old life back, I wished horrible things on her, etc. Now she's almost 7 months. I still have bad moments but am a lot better and having been working with a therapist regularly to help. I just find myself not liking being a mom right now as much as I thought i would when i was younger. Maybe its becuase i always envisioned kids and forgot they are first babies. The baby phase FEELS forever and while she's a great sleeper and eater, it's still so much. I see other moms who love having babies or being moms and I wish I could be that way. Maybe I'll get there eventually. I will say its a better step from the newborn days when i was like "I DO NOT WANT THIS GET HER AWAY." I don't pine for my old life for the most part anymore and I think the future with her could be fun. The guilt tends to eat at me and some days I'm just plain unhappy. Part of it is my seasonal depression - we live in MInnesota where the winters are long and cold and they have had a bad effect on me since I moved here 10 years ago. I've tried various meds but they DO NOT agree with me. My doctor now has me on Buspar (low dose) but can't say that helps a ton. My spouse has now become open to relocating somewhere more temperate in a couple years (it is tough to get minnesotans to move!) But, did anyone else have a situation where they hated being a mom at first but now enjoy it? What helped? It's so weird because some moments I hate being a mom and am like we are not having more kids and then I'm like I think we need a second so our family is complete but not sure I could do the newborn/baby phase again! via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/36qY35R
No comments:
Post a Comment