I've been needing to get this "out" for awhile. Even on a throwaway account with a bunch of strangers.First, I should note and emphasize that I love my son and would NEVER do anything to harm him in any way. Including showing him any sort of resentment. He's an incredible little human, and I strive every day to be the best mother I can be despite my feelings about motherhood.I loathe motherhood, and I massively regret it. My husband and I had several fun years of partying and travelling together. We had careers, owned our home, stable finances, hobbies, and a happy marriage. We were in our late 20s. We were on the fence about having kids, but we made the decision together. Neither of us pressured, and it was a planned wanted pregnancy.I regretted it the moment my son came wailing into the world. Immediately. I had no sense of bonding, and I was irritated that I was now completely at his service. It didn't help that he was a colicky miserable high needs baby, but it never really did get better. Easier in some ways, but never better. One phase to the next. He's 2.5 now. He's still a spirited high needs child, but he's very advanced. He's well behaved.I enjoy brief moments. The first steps, his developing personality, and so on. It was cute watching him look for Easter eggs this morning. But I could and would EASILY trade all those moments for the opportunity to travel back in time and not have kids. In an instant. It's just not worth it for me. The special moments are so far outweighed by frustration, tantrums, or just the never ending grind of the routine with a toddler. It's so. Damn. Boring. And unfulfilling.I'm pregnant again, and this one my husband did pressure for. I fucking hate being pregnant. I want a beer. I want to do what I want to do without my body being an incubator. And the dread of starting all the way over with a screaming newborn and no sleep. To go through all the frustrating phases all over again. On top of dealing with whatever developmental magic my son is going through. The thought of it makes me want to change my identity and leave the country.My husband is very helpful. He actually enjoys spending time with our son. Sitting on the floor and playing toy cars for more than 10 seconds is fun for him. But just the nature of motherhood, my life has changed much more than his has. And I resent that too.We haven't let kids slow us down all that much. I work full time. My husband just went on a motorcycle trip through Mexico, and I'm conditioning my two horses for endurance riding. I refuse to give up riding, despite the pregnancy. We go out, we have date nights, we travel. But the logistics of life with a toddler and soon to be baby and toddler is just harder. And I hate it. He's at daycare all day, and any time somebody else wants to watch him for the evening, I'm thrilled. I never crave to spend quality time with him.I was diagnosed with PPD (are you surprised?), and I tried three different medications as well as talk therapy for 18mos with two separate therapists. None of it helped. I'm not depressed. I actually feel quite vibrant and eager to live my life. I just really dislike life as a parent. Short of medicating me into a coma, that feeling isn't going away.I'm clinging to hope that parenthood will get better??? As kids get older, perhaps??? When I'm not having to plan my life around nap time to avoid tantrums and I'm not in world peace negotiations about if underwear is worn over or under pants?And I know how selfish and bitter this sounds. I HATE that I feel this way. I wouldn't have made a child had I known I'd be like this. I wish I could love motherhood. Everyone talks about how special and magical and precious it is, and I'm just not feeling it. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2pXRntu
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