Hi everyone Long time lurker and first time poster and it's quite a difficult post to make so please be nice ☺️My son is 13yrs old and I had him very young when I was 17 and I was raped by someone I thought was my friend and when I was kicked out of my house and he let me stay with him so I had somewhere to go and I slept beside him in bed and woke up with him ontop of me and he was much bigger and stronger and fought hard to get him off me and it was absolutely rape! I left right after and walked around all night not knowing what to do.Then I found out I was pregnant and my family didn't care about my situation and I had no one tell me I had options and on top of that I tried telling a few close friends what happened and it spread so fast in school that I made it up because we were friends and I'm just trying to make things not look like it's my fault. It was beyond stressful and I ended up getting out of my mom's and in my own place before giving birth and I was due after school was over so I even got my gr.12!! I never pressed charges cuz I was alone and scared and no idea what to do. The teachers in my school didn't know the truth cuz I was terrified of my close friends didn't believe me then the feeling of having my teachers not believe me was not something I wanted to feel.So fast forward to the summer after gr.12 I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and he was my everything and of course there were difficult times but I instantly felt like it was worth everything I went through so this little guy could have a chance at a good life and I would do everything I could and honestly I was worried I would resent him or not have a mother's instinct because of how he was conceived but that was never the case.His father quit school and through Mutual friends basically knew what was always going on with him and he went downhill fast, started doing drugs and selling them. He never contacted me and I know it's because he knew what he did and even tho no one believed me he never approached me to deny it in fact years later he admitted it to a few ppl but anyways he was just not someone I ever wanted to see again but when I gave birth someone who was his friend told him and he showed up at the hospital with a broken nose for owing drugs to someone and was visibly high on coke (I was told that the day after it was coke) so I had security make him leave and for the next 13 years I have never heard from him ever again.I hope I've written enough so you kinda understand my situation... Now for the advice I'm seeking or even to talk with someone this has happened to..My son has only ever asked me a few times about his dad. He knows his name and that we went to school together for a very long time and I was told by an old counselor that when he asks to give him an answer and nothing more. If he's satisfied with you answer and asks no more then leave it. But that he always deserves an answer to his questions and don't lie but of course you can't just tell a 6yr old the actual truth but there are ways to make your point but I just couldn't say your dad is a horrible person and don't ask about him cuz for any kid that would be hard to deal with but I also felt it was so wrong to say something like oh your dad just can't be in your life but he loves you cuz then I'm setting him up for disappointment that one day he might have a happy good relationship with him..So at the age of 6 in the grocery store he asked me "who's my dad" so I said his name is, So and So.. and he literally didn't ask anything else and went on to grab candy from the shelf so I took my counselor advice and left it at that and it was when he was over 10 he asked me again about him and he asked why isn't he in my life and again I thought I could say a whole bunch of sugar coating stuff so he wouldn't be hurt like saying oh he wants to be in your life but just can't and he really loves you tho.. so I tried to be honest but short answers and I said I don't know where your dad is or where he lives and I wasn't lying I had no idea, and I stopped at that and waited to see what else he would ask and he then asked me doesn't he want to see me? And I froze I didn't know what to say. How do you tell your son, well hes a very bad man and I don't want him in your life and he doesn't want to be in yours.. so I ended up saying along the lines of I don't know why your dad doesn't see you because I haven't seen him or talked to him since before I had you but you know what you have me and your grandmother and uncle who love you so much and we all want to give you the best life ever and maybe when your older and understand adults better we can figure this out together better. I'm really sorry if you feel sad and just know I'm always here for you and I love being both your mom and dad. And of course a 10 year old isn't going to show deep emotions and he was happy at the end of the conversation and hugged me we said we love eachother and he is now 13 and hasn't asked me anything since that day.I know it's coming and I really really hope he doesn't seek out his dad without telling me first but if he tells me he wants to look for him what would you do? I've always told myself I will tell him the truth when he's 18 but should I tell him regardless if he asks me or not just incase he seeks him out without telling me and finds him and if he had known the real reason of what happened that would change his mind about wanting to meet him. When he is an adult I wanted to tell him the truth and tell him that it's completely up to him whether he wants to seek him out and that I wouldn't be hurt or mad and that it's his decision alone and I won't interfere with it but that he deserved to know the whole truth.I just feel like now that he's going to be in highschool soon and become a teenager could mean eventually more questions or curiousity could lean him towards looking for him..I know a situation like this isn't solved by asking an internet strangers what to do and following their answer completely but I just know I'm not prepared for the next time he asks cuz he's very smart and I just have a feeling the conversation will be much deeper and different then the previous ones.I have a husband and 2 more children with him and my son looks up to his step dad and they have a great relationship and my husband supports anything I decide to do about this as he just has no idea how to handle something like this and just said he supports whatever I decide to tell him and will always reassure my son how much he loves him and considers him his own son.To be completely honest I just wanted to share my story more then asking for advice. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about it other then my husband and closest friend and both are great listeners and support me but they don't really make me feel understood like they get what I'm going through and that's completely understandable but it would just be nice to actually talk to some people who don't just listen and care and have advice maybe.I know that no one can tell another parent what to do in this kind of situation but if you don't mind putting yourself in my shoes and just tell me what you would do could still be very helpful. To just hear someone else's perspective. I do ask though please be kind. There is no right or wrong way and I truly am doing the best I can and if you believe I screwed up horribly in the past by saying the things I already said to him, I can't change that and putting me down just for the sake of making me feel horrible is not going to help. I am absolutely open to honest hard to hear advice if you really think it could help me and my son.I'm sorry this was so long I just felt the more info the better so you all have a decent understanding of my situation and I truly appreciate anyone who took the time to read all of this and for any help your able to give.Thank you so much everyone ☺️❤️ via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2IqeO5K
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