'Wet Willy' PTSD

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to take this opportunity to talk to you about the dangers of exposing your children to the new ‘Peter Rabbit’ film, starring James Corden as the incommodious furry arsed and irritating hero himself.It’s not the fact that he trashes poor Mr McGregor’s home after the poor old man suffers an acute myocardial infarction, nor is it that Peter and his siblings run enough voltage through Mr McGregor’s’ door handle to down a f*cking Boeing 747. No, it’s the horrifying realisation that he’s lulled you into a false sense of security for most of the film before BOOM! He’s now taught your child how to perform the dreaded, ‘Wet Willy’.For those of you who may be confused about what in the sweet name of 'Barney & Friends' a ‘Wet Willy' is, let me refer you to the official definition;"wet-willy. Noun. (plural 'wet willies') (slang) A prank whereby a saliva-moistened finger is inserted into an unsuspecting person’s ear, often with a slight twisting motion"You see, toddlers are strange creatures. It can take days, even weeks to convince them that shitting and pissing in a glorified bucket is much more preferable than walking around with their toodle or floof caked in last nights half digested spaghetti bolognese. And it can take months to get them to accept the fact that kicking you in the unmentionables when you’re crouching down to wipe up spilled Strawberry yoghurt from your sofa cushion only leads to you going in a massive huff and throwing the tv remote into the f*cking oven.Yet, you show them just f*cking ONCE a brief three second CGI rabbit sticking a well sucked foot into a man’s ear while he’s driving at speed on Her Majesty’s highway, and they’ll have the technique and delivery perfected before you can find the off button on your Blu-Ray player.And they’re like military trained snipers with their precision and patience when it comes to getting their target. My son will pretend to be in what I like to call ‘The Kids TV Coma’, whereby they stare blankly at the TV while surprisingly entertaining presenters run around in pirate costumes and throw sponges at confused looking toddlers. You think you’re safe as you plonk your badonkadonk down beside them and pick up your mobile to mindlessly scroll through Facebook, then WHAM! A tiny and soggy digit is rammed into your ear up to the second knuckle, and spun round like an offshore rig drilling for oil.I’m thinking I’ve got a strong claim against Sony Pictures for Wet Willy induced PTSD. Every time I see a soggy sausage come out the fridge, I’m getting the shakes. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2F2epYJ