I’m not ok. Chocking incident(s)

I don’t even know where to begin. Reliving this sucks. I hate thinking about. I was doing ok today until nowYesterday my 10 month old was choking on food. I did everything I could. I felt helpless. I was screaming like I’ve never screamed before. I saw the fear in his face. In my moms face when she ran to the room. I was not going to let him die. I kept trying. I kept going. And then I heard it. The most beautiful cry. There was blood(ER doc says I scratched his tonsil). He started turning blue. His eyes were watery. But he cried. And I felt relief.We went to the nearest children’s ER via ambulance. We’re there till 3am. And then I decided to block it out because It hurts to think about it.But then again an hour ago he looked like he was choking again. I asked my sister what she gave him and it was a little melt Star from Gerber. I got that feeling again he looked like he was choking. He looked like he needed to throw up. Like he wasn’t breathing. I turned him over and patted his back with force like they told me to. I never saw anything come out but he started crying and breathing again. The fear rushed back. I didn’t know what to do. My sister had called 911 again while it was happening. Fire/EMT came out and cleared him.But now I’m a just in a horrible mood. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so sad and broken. I’m traumatized. I’m scared he isn’t breathing but sitting here playing normally. I have to touch him.I’m so scared.Idk what I want out of this post but maybe some assurance that this feeling is normal and will go away.I feel so helpless and like a bad mom. Even though I know I’m not ): via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/38YF1Wj